..They really work. I couldn't believe it but they do work. I like the idea since I'm going back to school. Ya know in August.lol. But I know I'll just get deeper in the depression b/c people are assholes and make gay comments and get on my nerves. grrr... I want to be the lonely girl in the corner again. Ok now I'm depressed. Stupid shit. I want to be ok. Like never feel sad ever again. I just want to get 100% better like right now.I haven't cut since last Tues. I think. It was just tracing my old cuts nothing big. I'm getting control over this and I'm controling my thoughts. But sometimes bad ones get in but that normal with depression. Even on meds some things still hurt your feelings. Wonder how long this depression has went on unnoticed? I really can't say. I think it was way before I started cutting. I cut for the first time ever the last part of 7th grade. But before that in 5th and 6th I was experimenting with girls. And had no other friends just two and my b/f in 5th grade. I didn't feel like I needed anyone else. Friendship for me was kissing and other things not meant in a friendship. But of course I confused the two. The starting in 7th grade I felt like if I couldn't control my werid feelings for girls I'd control what I ate which turned into nothing. I began craving things into my leg with an dull knife. It continued every winter so I could hide the cuts on my wrist. Although they were small and looked like a rose bush attacked me in one spot the cuts gave me a sense of control. I could control the pain and my weight. After two yrs of not eating right (water and crackers and what food I had to eat while people were looking). I didn't want anyone to know what was wrong b/c it didn't feel wrong to me I was in control I was never in control of anything before. Never thoughts, feelings, or actions. Some done to me and put on me but I still felt like I should have controled that so in a way it was punishing myself also. I stopped for a year in 8th grade and the last 6 months of 9th grade then in 10th grade I drank and smoked pot so I was still controling something. Then Jan. 15th 2004 I cut again. I'm going to be a senior this coming up year I know I will have a lot of pressure on me. What will I do? What will I control?--..They really work. I couldn't believe it but they do work. I like the idea since I'm going back to school. Ya know in August.lol. But I know I'll just get deeper in the depression b/c people are assholes and make gay comments and get on my nerves. grrr... I want to be the lonely girl in the corner again. Ok now I'm depressed. Stupid shit. I want to be ok. Like never feel sad ever again. I just want to get 100% better like right now.I haven't cut since last Tues. I think. It was just tracing my old cuts nothing big. I'm getting control over this and I'm controling my thoughts. But sometimes bad ones get in but that normal with depression. Even on meds some things still hurt your feelings. Wonder how long this depression has went on unnoticed? I really can't say. I think it was way before I started cutting. I cut for the first time ever the last part of 7th grade. But before that in 5th and 6th I was experimenting with girls. And had no other friends just two and my b/f in 5th grade. I didn't feel like I needed anyone else. Friendship for me was kissing and other things not meant in a friendship. But of course I confused the two. The starting in 7th grade I felt like if I couldn't control my werid feelings for girls I'd control what I ate which turned into nothing. I began craving things into my leg with an dull knife. It continued every winter so I could hide the cuts on my wrist. Although they were small and looked like a rose bush attacked me in one spot the cuts gave me a sense of control. I could control the pain and my weight. After two yrs of not eating right (water and crackers and what food I had to eat while people were looking). I didn't want anyone to know what was wrong b/c it didn't feel wrong to me I was in control I was never in control of anything before. Never thoughts, feelings, or actions. Some done to me and put on me but I still felt like I should have controled that so in a way it was punishing myself also. I stopped for a year in 8th grade and the last 6 months of 9th grade then in 10th grade I drank and smoked pot so I was still controling something. Then Jan. 15th 2004 I cut again. I'm going to be a senior this coming up year I know I will have a lot of pressure on me. What will I do? What will I control?--
Believe if or not, it really CAN get better. Although, I don't know the actual URGE ever permenantly fades away... I think with time, you just have to learn to control it.
Anyway, take care.
I really like your diary.
It seems like I can relate alot to what you've been through, even if it's not at the same level.
In this diary, I didn't write about all the shitty things I went/am going through, but if you want to talk or anything, my msn is celticforever27@yahoo.com and my aim is Lizzie2787.
Sorry if this seems a bit foreward -_-