Somethings you don't think you'll ever hear. Until you do and they tear you up inside. Daddy's doc told him if he didn't stop smoking he would die. It sounds so bad and it hurts my heart. I can't help feeling this way. I'm so scared and shocked. So fearful of what the future might hold for me and mom. Esp daddy. I think I'm the one to feel the emotion in it. I know mom cares but she only really cares if its her. I'm here to support daddy and make sure he is really ok. Like when his mom died I cried so much. B/c I knew how he felt. I just held him and we cried after he got the money from his mom's will. God I hated that. I really did. It broke my heart for me to see him cry. I just remember the feeling of his chest as I stood there hugging him. I just cried with him. I didn't hold anything back. It just seemed so real when he got the money. Both of his parents are gone. I don't know exaclty how that feels b/c I have both of my parents. But I know how death makes you feel. Like you're so helpless and there's nothing you can do. No matter how much power you think you have in that situation you're powerless and helpless. The only thing you need is someone to be there when you need them. I understood that. B/c just 2 years ago I got over my grandpa dying and its been almost 11 years. It will be 11 years this Dec. 8th. ---This thing with daddy makes me want to quit smoking for him b/c I know how hard it is for the people around you to smoke when you're quitting. Me and Dean have became so much closer. Its great how things end up. I've never thought that anyone would care this much about me. And I know when I say I love him I totally mean it now. I care about him so much. I'm really happy now. This is exactly what I needed all these years to complete me. I just love feeling this way. I've stopped cutting myself and trying to kill myself b/c of him. I don't want to die anymore. Sometimes it seems like I don't care about anyone but him and myself but thats not true. I have something great in my life and I want to let people know I'm taken and happy. I can finally say I'm dating someone and I care so much about them. Usually at the one month mark I'm trying to find things I hate about the person. But I haven't found anything b/c of course I haven't even thought about it. And if I ever do nothing can push me away. I love how he is honest with me. I need someone to tell me what they think. I like that. That's why I like and respect daddy's opinion so much. B/c he is honest no matter what. That is such a good quality in someone. I fine myself thinking about making Dean happy. Not out of my limit stuff. I would never drastically change for anyone. But things I've thought about for a while seems to be important now. If me being straight now means that I'm going to go for a girl while with Dean yea I am straight. But if it means I won't look at girls and think they're hot then no I'm not straight. But overall I just want Dean right now. Thats the most important person on my mind at the moment. The only person on my mind besides of course daddy and sharon. Anyway, School has got so stupid. Like prison. But we're coping. lol. See ya. I love you, Dean!--