Feeling a little mentally stressed. With all my research I don't have all the answers. I know myself enough to know I don't need or want to cut myself. Its hard to get to this point but I think I'm here. Right this second I wouldn't mind cutting myself. But my thoughts are so mixed up I don't know what I really want. I think if it wasn't for the anti-depressants I would cut right now but I'm taking them. This is hard, if someone says its not they're lying. A very big lie may I add. I'm going to be a senior thats stress enough. Its going to be stressful b/c school no matter the grade is stressful. But I have so many things going on in my head. I'm trying to get better, I'm thinking about my career, senior classes, repeating spanish 2, trying to figure out if I can do it all, I don't want to fail at everything, and I'm worried that stress from school will not be good on me. But they can't just make school not stressful b/c of me. Then of course to be fair they'd have to make the whole world not stressful. Ok Now I'm stressed. blah. My head hurts with all these thoughts. Stupid thoughts. I've been so busy on trying to study myself I haven't had time or even wanted to wash my hair. Oh lazy me. I keep putting it off. I am some what excited to have a lot of work in school. Lets see I have morning classes (8 hours) then I have a night school class. Psychology my favoritest thing in the world which they will find some way to make it boring and stressful. Teachers have a way of doing that. Wonder who teaches it? I dunno. I realize things are different. I've been through a lot these few years. Even before high school I went through a lot. I made it through and now its so hard for me to make it through this. This time its the scars that keep going away. I hate that I keep having the only thing that keeps me sane going away each time I make it. I control that and nothing else seems to be controble. My future is controled by me but thats not right this second. What can I control this second that would matter? The situation with Jeff isn't bothering me now. I said what I could and even though it didn't work I still know I tried. What he does is not in my hands now. Its in his hands if he doesn't care I can't make him. I have to take care of myself before I can stress over someone else. I don't need stress. And that was something I turned into stress by myself. I need happy things around me and people who actually care and understand. I really don't need him right now in my life. I can't give 100% and he give next to nothing. No one deserves that from anyone. And neither do I since I'm giving all I got to make myself happy. Happiness doesn't grow on trees ya know. Food makes good for happiness. Don't ya think. And since its not possible for me to get fat. YAY. (blueberry muffins yummy) I read a lot of shit about cutting and everyone's way of stopping. I found one the I really like. Although I don't know the website I got it from I'll post it on my group @ msn. But it talks about self help strategies and exercises that you can do. Like for example writing things like a auto bio, things you like and dislike about yourself, etc. It might help me with not thinking about cutting and improve my writing skills. It might even be fun for me just something different. I've already wrote two mini-auto bios. One about my father Jeff for school and the other about my 4 yrs of self destrustive behavior which includes food and weight issues, drinking, drugs, pills and cutting. I'll type it again and post it on my group. I should write although one about relationships but I have one about a few of my relationships I just don't know where it is. I used to do nothing but write short stories and poems. I haven't wrote a good poem in a while. I guess my mind is somewhere else or just blancing out b/c of my meds. I hope I can still write poems. OMG, what if I loose that b/c I would always tap into my emotions and not I really don't have many. Just a lot of mental stress. Thats not much to write about. Its kinda boring unless I could put a werid crazy upside down zone with a insane feel with it. I dunno what I'm even talking about. I do break down and have a freak out fest so maybe I could write a poem in that exact moment. I wonder how that would turn out. I'm just having my random-thoughts-moment-b/c-I'm-taking-meds-and-being-all-hyper. I'm really getting tired of being depressed. Its really getting old but mine has been untreated for no one knows how long so I just don't know. I just have to learn all about myself. B/c I don't trust anyone else to do it right. I like having help but no one can know me better than myself. I'm not saying I would be a relible source but I'm better than some psycharist that doesn't know theirself. And only wants the money not to help people. Thats why I'm going to be a counselor. Since I know a lot more about things than anyone at school does. They need to be re-educated on teens and problems teens face. Old things are coming up more now than ever before. More girls are cutting or self-harming in some way and less and less are having food problems. I'm not saying its not going on just that no one seems to notice. And all the clues are just right there and all they have to do is look and observe. I don't hide my arms for no reason. DU-UH! I know teachers aren't suppose to worry with things like that but they should be aware. A girl isn't just going to come up one day in class if she's crying and people ask her whats wrong she's not going to say 'I just cut' or 'I just threw up my food from lunch' or 'I'm getting abused at home' etc. Come on now teens now days don't just talk to adults about everything not even their parents and if they told their parents they had a problem the fear of their parents freaking out and sending them to some mental hospital. If your friends don't notice or understand, parents freak out, and teachers and staff at school don't know to look what are teens to do. And not everyone can look it up on the internet and know they aren't alone. I want to just get out there and educate people on this stuff but of course who would even listen to me. But I be damn I will try. Thats more I can say for some. If you don't try you'll never know if you would have failed. Less about everyone else and more about me. I'm tired. I want more food. I'm like a little baby fighting sleep. grrr........ No sleep. I need to write. about?? ummm.... I have nothing.--