I just have to know when to but the fuck out. But it still doesn't make any sense to me. It's like I need someone to get my mind off of this shit. Maybe a hot chick! And instead of just "dreaming" about it I want it to really happen. I need someone to like and to spend time with. I worry that either I'm just not loveable or I just haven't found anyone who really loves me. I hate liars and people who hurt me. Bad people. I am getting tired of feeling this explainable pain. My heart is broken and not to be fixed. Instead I will soon enough only fall apart. But if I can continue to live every day I guess everything will be okay. But now my heart doesn't agree with my mind's perfect solutions for any of this shit. I hate having nothing to really talk about, all I do is complain that people talk about me, hurt me, then try to step all over me just to make it all "better". I want to have love letters, presents, kisses & hugs, someone to lean on, and someone to actually love me for who I am. Not how I look or anything else. Who doesn't complain about my quirky habits; smoking, cussing, that understands my depression & me being distant, doesn't mind waiting more than 2 1/2 weeks to have sex, doesn't try to control me, and likes my friends & family. I just want to be happy and not worry about being loved. I no longer want to worry about; why people don't like me. I don't want to always be scared of myself & how I handle things. I'm just not stable enough to actually love someone else b/c I truely hate myself so much. I just can't stand being alone & feeling like no one cares. I think I feel like I do need someone to make me happy & that I can't be happy with only myself. I just think I'll be okay if I surround myself with my friends & just pretend I'm happy. It's really not working. I'm lying to myself and everyone else. (I'm really falling apart here, someone put me back together)--