June 28, 2004 2:22 am I remember that helpless feeling now. Its back maybe not to stay but I know its here. I'm uncer the pressure again and its different this time. I have to say I love it. I can cut whenever and no one seems to care. I still wish I had never told anyone or that my mom wouldn't have found the cuts. I want the feeling back that I had. I want to be able to lay around and feel nothing but the opening scabs of my cuts. I only wish that I can be saved. Saved from everyone who has hurt me. I can never get over the hurt. I can only control the hurting I place on my skin. I have 30 cuts now. All little cuts in one stop. I love them. They are hid away from the world and I get to see them and touch them. It makes me feel loved. Even if people don't know I am loved b/c I have them. It shows that I am strong and I can punish myself every day. And have been since...... this past Thursday. I love doing it now. Its every day I have something to look forward to and getting happiness. I'm getting careless with myself b/c I don't care and I really love it. I'm down in weight and it makes me feel powerful. I controlled it. Just like I'm controlling my pain. I didn't take my med. Saturday. I went the whole day feeling free. I don't think anyone can stop me now. No one but myself and I'm not going to stop something that feels this good. It feels like I have my life back. I missed it and now its returned. I feel free not tied down anymore. I did want to die before I started back cutting. I don't even remember why I did it I guess I felt like I had to, to save my life. I don't really want to die and I'm glad I'm cutting b/c its what I need right now. I'm saving my life be happy for me b/c I'm not dead yet....... I will continue controlling myself and my pain.--