I finally feel alone. The first day in my life I have nothing. Not school, no contact with friends, no music that I love, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to keep me from being sad. I just hate feeling this way. I hate eating, I hate having to talk, all I want to do is sit here and try to be happy. I wanted tears and now I have them. For the first time in a while I'm free to cry my heart out. B/c I have nothing. What am I even doing? I have no idea. Nothing makes sense anymore. I hate everything. "And Someday you'll ache like I ache.." And not loving myself is tearing me apart. How can expect anyone to love me or put up with my shit if I can't even stand myself. I hate myself. I have nothing to offer anyone. Not even myself. There is just so much small shit for about 2 months that I haven't had time to cry over or even think about. But the problems with me and danielle brought it out. I just wanted to be happy and hide all of this. Now that I'm a little drunk I realize how really sad I am. I just feel really bad about everything. My life is just beginning and I don't even know where it will go. I'm still struggling with the fact that I may be bipolar since I have depressional episodes and my bio father has it also. I just know I don't have enough money to find out if that's what it is. Jeff, my bio father is in prison for 3 years and I know I love him so much. And I want to see him but he lives in Ohio. All I can do is write him. The his mother lives a hour away and doesn't come or call but maybe 3 times in a 6 month period. I've dealt with this shit long enough and I'm just tired. I just want someone to just make me so god damn happy I don't think of anything else.