I wanted so much for myself, to write and go to college. To make it better I was a year older. I'm not any wiser I don't think I wrote a lot today mostly random things. I was working in the Garden Center at Lowes today. I watched Gilmore Girls when I got to mom's and it got me thinking when I came home. (Story time) I walk into this house of disarray wondering why I'm so sick and why I feel so bad. I've worked today having to struggle through new things and not feeling all that great. I look around inside of my house here at daddy's and I just wonder where have I been storing myself. Where did I loose myself at and how can I find her? I was cleaning off the coffee table and seen a wedding magazine that I didn't cancel so I threw it across the room. I hate feeling this sad. And I also seen a college thing to get my college done online and my thing from Pembrooke. I just started crying b/c I felt so sick, I'm going to be 19 tomorrow and my life isn't where it's suppose to be. I should be in college instead of working a deadend job but I like working there. I should be working somewhere useful like a paper or something. I want to write that's where my dreams start and I'm useless just wasting away and not doing anything for daddy around the house. I stayed at mom's last night for my party and didn't even call him. I shouldn't be this way. All about myself and not caring about anything else besides my job. I need to get my shit together and start putting my life back together. Another thing is I was going to marry Robert and now I choose not to and I have all these things that remind me of the wedding. I see kids every day at work and I think it could've been me if I could just be happy for once.. But I never can be happy b/c I don't work at it. Not as much as it's needed to be worked at. I have dreams and goals for my life but I'm just wasting away doing nothing.--