I can't explain it. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm ashamed and have a fear that I'll just disappoint everyone if I tell them. I don't want to be more of a problem and if I pretend I'm happy no one will see how much I failed. Think happy thoughts. Just happy. I don't understand why. Everyone thought I was doing great. Maybe I wanted to be great b/c I wanted to pretend I could handle it by myself but I can't. I also feel stupid. Why do I do this? Maybe to prove that I can still feel. Its a hard thing to cope with being happy. Not much bothers me anymore and I just proved that breaking a promise, trying to keep a secret, and lying to myself, hurts like hell. Maybe sometimes I think I don't deserve to be happy and just like to be depressed and sad. But I also proved I'm not depressed by cutting this time I just am scared of myself again. I can't hold this inside anymore. I'm falling apart and I need to talk to someone. But I'm not ready to talk about this. I just don't want to talk at all. I need to be held.--