3:30 am "Friendship Suicide" Killing to leave this world, Had to make sure it be right, Best friends forever; Even in hell, Forever together, Love doesn't matter, When your life is over, Your possessions just disappear, Just as you do, In one moment, Bullet from the gun, Blood dripping from the cuts, Your neck broke from the rope, Everything is covered in blood, Friendship does last forever, Even if you're not both in the ground. I hope I sleep good tonight. So many secrets. Not enough death to give them all away. I could never unless you want me to kill myself. I will make sure its right. New places I cut. My hips. When you change places on your body to cut you have to take it slow for that space to toughen up. Then after a few cuts you can cut however you want. Long, deep cuts. I like the feeling when I cut. Laying in bed and letting the blood trinkle out ever so slightly. You wake up with you blood-stained sheets. It relaxes me now. And its just what I need. I love it. No one can take that away from me. Even if I have to start cutting on my feet. I will do anything and everything it takes to continue cutting. I feel power in my cuts. More than I can say for some with no power at all. I have control. I now weigh 112 pounds I'm so proud of myself for losing so much (8 lbs). I think I could lose a lot more. But I'm trying my best. I do have to push myself harder and maybe start working out. I have hand weights and a punching bag. And I could dance for cardio. It would be fun too. It would keep me busy so I won't cut so much durring the summer and just wait til school starts. That seems like fun. I won't tell anyone I'm still cutting even if they ask: Deny, Deny, Deny, and Deny some more!!! I'm very good at that b/c HELL-O I do date gurls. lol. I love this feeling I have now. Like I'm floating. Maybe b/c I took more than I was suppose to of my A-D pills. It was suppose to be just one half but I took two thats all. I feel great. Its a happy thing. Woah, Am I happy? Ok its a weird feeling alright!! I haven't felt this way in a long while. Its the meds.... lol. I'm going to try to work out tomorrow. Although The Real World (channel 43) and Nip/Tuck (channel 45) comes on. Its my body and if I want to scar it I will. The last thing a cutter thinks about while cutting is "aww, I'm going to have so many scars". Who gives a shit about scars when you find something you can control when you can't control emotional pain but you can inflict the pain on yourself and control it, when you're numb and cut to see if you still feel, and the pain finally gives you power and freedom b/c you've never had that before. I also have found something to help me cope with life and not being able to kill myself. I can't cut deep enough, I can't pull that trigger on the gun, and I have nothing to hang myself with. I'm not sure the last one would work. My mom calls me every second to do something. I couldn't have them find me dead. I don't want to cause more hurt for my parents. But I have attempted and thought about it a lot. Thinking about how people would react and thinking about who really cares enough to care that I'm gone. What they would do with all my stuff. Trying to solve the puzzle and none of the pieces are in my room. They are all inside my head, never to escape just like I can't escape from it myself. I hate that I can't just give away my secret. Its too heart-breaking and I just might break apart myself. Not knowing what to do. Or how to do it. I can only live forever; never dying. B/c the thought of it is enough to tear you apart inside. Suicide forever, Death so much truth, and Life something not vaulable enough to let it all go.--