April 10, 2004 12:32 am I've been thinking today about what it is I want to do with my life and who I want to be seen as. I've came to no conclusions. I just know that I like Jon a lot. I don't know what it is about him that appeals to me but its true I do like him. There are a lot of things in this world we don't understand or don't have no idea about. But I do know I met him for a reason. Maybe for guidence or maybe to help me grow into my pattern of life. Whatever it is doesn't matter b/c he's here and I've found him. He's one guy I can't keep out of my head. Not for the reasons that have arose in the past he is different than any other guy I've ever spoke to. Mainly b/c I don't look at him as being the best looking but there are things that he has made me realize about myself and my surroundings that I would have never learned on my own. Like now I actually want to quit cutting. Any other time cutting has appealed to me and he has made me realize that its a danger to myself and others. And he made me realize that there's more to life than just being depressed and dying. Until now I've felt dead to the world and just dead. Like I've never been anything or even wanted to be anything until now. I've grown so much since I've met Jon. He is everything I've wanted a guy to be. I might actually be able to love and be loved. B/c of Jeff I've felt unworthy and unlovable. Me and Jon can talk about nothing for hours. I think we have talked about everything. He knows a lot that I want to learn. And I think I know things that he might want to learn. Me and Jon have been through some of the same things. But all of it is in the past for both of us. I'm not holding anything against him or from him. I'm going in this with honesty and truth. We have a lot in common. Thats always good. I think I could put everything behind me and be his. Although not many things are going to change for him since he likes me the way that I am now. He makes me feel so good about myself and that makes me like him more. Now I just wish that I could date. Or at least he could come over here and spend time with me. I want my parents to meet him and daddy won't even agree to it. I haven't got up enough nerve to talk to him about it. B/c before he plainly told me no. So I should just give up? I don't think so. I'm not giving up on the one person who is keeping me alive right now.--