July 26, 2004 2:00 am I'm kinda just laying around not even thinking at all which is a first for me. I guess I have no thoughts to think. There's nothing left to think about. I just hate feeling this way. So helpless. I think I might try again. Try to stop. But I just think I can. I did last time b/c I had nothing to cut with. Now it seems like I have to stop. Like I have some purpose. I doubt that its right but who am I to doubt anything. I just don't know anything. I don't understand anything. I just know I have goals for my future and I want to meet them. I'm getting tired of crying and hiding. I'm just getting tired of everything. I think I'm ready to take control. But I'm scared of failing. I just don't want to tell everyone I'm quiting b/c I don't want to let anyone down. I hate disappointing everyone all the time. What Am I good for if I just disappoint everyone all the time. Its kinda of pointless to live if I do. I'm just getting tired of being depressed. I don't think the meds I took before worked at all. I want a professional to diagnose me and actually tell me what I have so I can treat it and get over all of this. I just want to have a normal life and instead of pretending nothings wrong I don't want anything to be wrong. I refuse to play it safe and try to stay alone. I want to go LIVE life instead of just pretending I already have. I really know nothing and I should by now know something. I know I keep saying this shit and I really don't know if I mean it or not or will even go through with it I just know I'm going to try. I'm just getting tired of letting everyone down, even myself. I don't want to always be one to fail. I want so many things for myself and I know it has to be me doing it. If I want something I need to get it done. No one else can write out my life for me I have to just live it. I don't want to regret anything. I already regret my self tattoo ("FREE"). Which is fading but I doubt it will fade completely. I just want these scars to go away now. I want my life back.--