I’ve never ever cried this much. Not even when my grandpa died. I’ve cried for 45 mins straight. I can’t believe it myself that I’ve been holding that all in. All of those tears were inside of me. I don’t know what triggered it or if I could have prevented it. But I now know how I felt about all of this stuff daddy is doing. And how mom feels. It’s like I felt everyone’s pain at one time. I hated feeling it. I felt like I did have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m still crying now. It’s 6:10 am and I’m not yet asleep. My eyes are bloodshot from all of the crying and that’s never happened before. I just want this feeling to go away. This is worse than the walk of death. It’s almost like dying and being bought back feeling all of the pain of dying over and over and over and over until it kills you again. Although I can barely see from the tears I keep writing. Maybe if I keep busy I won’t hurt so bad. I feel so broken and confused. I don’t understand anything and these are the times I wished I was depressed so maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad. When I’m depressed I guess I only think of myself and this would be useful right now. I feel so much pain, anger, hurt, and confusion. It’s like I’m taking everyone’s feelings into me. Maybe god thought I didn’t understand so he taught me a lesson about lying. I did think I understood completely. But now I don’t think so. I didn’t know I could carry this many tears and so much pain around with me for so long. I’m shocked at how I reacted. I’ve never ever been this upset. I don’t know what’s wrong and I can’t even start to figure out anything right now. I know nothing. I didn’t know I could hold so much pain. Why does this hurt so much? B/c I think daddy gave up on me. B/c daddy has gave up on life. B/c he is trying to push us away. B/c he won’t talk. B/c he pushes mom away like he doesn’t love her. I’m so scared every time he slams the bedroom door that I might hear a gun shot. I get so scared my heart breaks and falls right into my intestines . My heart is breaking by the second. When he doesn’t smile, doesn’t look at me, doesn’t talk, ignores my questions, wants to talk all about me, changes the subject, etc. I miss the light in his eyes. And I want it back. He thinks he can give up he’s got another thing coming.... I won’t let him give up. I need to fix him and I’m the only one who can do it. I won’t stop until he opens up. I won’t stop until he’s the same daddy I know. I want him back now.--