Everything is so messed up. First of all, most of my friends are pregnant half of this doesn't even seem real. Me and Whitney are trying to get back together. I don't know my problem with her was that I couldn't be open about our relationship at school b/c she so scared that someone will tell her parents. I really hate that but I'm lonely and I need a girlfriend. It seems if you love someone nothing else should matter. Well you'd think it wouldn't. but obviously our parents hold more over us than we would like to admit. I'm trying not to get back into a relationship I can't handle but she does make me happy and I need that right now. I can't stand being alone. I walk around pretending to be happy while I'm really falling apart and wanting to run away. Its like this every day with everyone trying to control me and who I like. Looking at me with this stare that could kill while they look at guys the same way I look at gurls, lust-glare. Why is this a problem? For me, its holding my feelings back and I hate that. For others, just shows that they can't be very good parents since they're not open-minded. I'm not expecting everyone to come up to me and be my best friend but damn we're in high school not middle school and everyone should have some sense by now. Don't you think they could have matured enough. There needs to be a mature test. Stupid immature kids. I'm just living my life just like everyone else does so why don't I get the same respect they do? It seems I'm fighting a losing battle. Nothing seems to be going right for me. I hate when people try to get me to change like I really want to change them. I'm not in this world to see how many gay people I can create. I'm in this world to live just like every one else trys to do every damn day. But I just can't live b/c everyone has to try to control my life and my way of thinking. Seems like hell to me. Stupid scare tactic!!! Maybe people should their own lives so they won't have to nose into mine. It all seems so stupid on their part. First of all I don't scream to everyone that I'm a fucking lesbian, I do however tell people if they ask. I don't go around kissing every straight gurl I know trying to "turn" them. My dad keeps saying if I wouldn't have told everyone last year none of this would be a problem. But I know they would have found out and it doesn't hurt as much when they talk if I'm the one that told them. I try to sheild my heart from the pain but its not easy at all. It all seems by sheilding myself I'm getting hurt worse. I try not to care and to hold in the pain but I can't do that anymore. Its getting old and I'm getting sick and tired of this. Trying to not even get to close to my straight friend figuring someone might think something, trying not to say "hey babe" or "I love you" to my bestest friend in the world, and trying not to show that Whitney is well whatever she is. I want to do whatever the fuck I want to without anyone telling me to "be straight" or "not to hug them or even get close to them b/c someone might think something". Sometimes I get tired of living. This shit is all bullshit. Give it up!!!--