I'm going to be honest, you don't really deserve me to go easy on you. And I love how wishy-washy you are; when I try to be kind and calm to you, you say "don't sugarcoat, be honest" (though I actually am being honest, if you feel like you deserve worse than don't say the opposite), which is what you do when I don't bother putting effort into remaining calm, you act all innocent, as though you have every right to your feelings and you've done nothing wrong in accounting for them.

No, there is nothing wrong with telling me how you feel about a situation, but YES, making me feel like shit for a series of things that by now, TWO YEARS into a relationship, you should have grown to accept or understand, (or at least just grown, just grow up), I shouldn't have to be tested constantly for my fidelity or sincerity. Just man up, and believe it for yourself.

What do you have a problem with:

-Well you added a very sour feel to Class Night because I didn't tell you ahead of time that part of the festivities was a dance. It should have been enough that I was texting you to tell you how much I missed you and wished I could dance with you. And your lack of an apology til this day has been noted.

P.S. I only apologized after that squabble because you were being a baby and I was tired of waiting around for you to speak up. I know this all sounds harsh, but my basic "I'm sorry I upset you and didn't tell you this was a dance" was just that, basic, and in actuality, your "That's all I wanted Vanessa. I forgive you" really fucking pissed me off. YOU forgive ME? I didn't do anything wrong. I was basically apologizing for "hurting" your precious little feelings. Sorry I was actually part of a senior class and was actually participating in my senior events without running all of my plans by you. And if you don't remember correctly, you broke up with me about a week earlier, so, ya, we weren't really talking much at the time.

-This was only a small instance, and I know I said the wrong thing and like an idiot didn't catch on. But EVEN IF I was in fact planning to hang out with Dan, just me and him, I honestly don't think you should have had a problem with it. Yes, I understand that I said the wrong thing; when you asked if it was just us hanging out I said yes thinking you meant just Dan, Val, and me. But that mistake aside, you ALWAYS keep your "weird"/"hurt" feelings inside until hours later. So I go on thinking everything is okay. By this time, you've stewed every sour feeling over in the pit of your heart for enough time that even when you do bring it up, oh say, two hours later, and I dumbfoundedly make the correction, apologize for the confusion, and even sprinkle on some promises of fidelity, you still are too torn up to even acknowledge the fact that NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED. You get like this because you don't just speak how you're feeling right away. If you had just said "That makes me feel a bit uncomfortable" in the hallway, as soon as I messed up what I was explaining, I would have caught my mistake, said "Oh no, that's not what I meant, sorry.." And you wouldn't have driven all the way home with negative thoughts weighing on your mind, so much so that they are fricken impossible to get rid of because, let's be honest, you magnify things my 100 and then set them in stone. I don't even know if you realize this, but yes, you take any feeling of hurt or wrongdoing and blow it up like a balloon and freeze it like that, so that it cannot be popped, poof!, gone, even after I say all that needs to be said to fix the original problem. THIS IS A PET PEEVE OF MINE. FUCKIN SPEAK UP!

P.S. On this note, my original complaint: if I were to hang out with just Dan

A) He is like a brother to me and you know this

B) Again, two years, you should trust me!!, yadda yadda, trust trust trust

-And the last thing that you have been doing lately, and even in just this past week alone, it feels like a new hobbie with me. Stop testing my feelings! I DO NOT like being out on the spot. And yes, if we're in my bed being chummy and then you feel the need to interrupt and say "Uh, wah, I feel like I like you more than you like me...I feel like you're not attracted to me..wah", don't expect me to feel encouraged to "show" you how I feel. I clam up in situations like that, because you put tons of pressure on me to PROVE to you that I feel the way I do. You are insecure. It's as simple as that, and insecurity is an issue that can only be fixed by the one who is insecure. Yes, only you can cure your insecurity. Putting me on the spot, saying things like you did yesterday ("I feel like you only want me as a friend..Idk...I just do...") and not accepting any of my promises (and by the way, ya, you completely ignored every text I sent that day with I love yous and I miss yous and, you know, bf/gf things), all of this is because you are insecure. I love how you say all of this shit, and then when I respond with really solid reassurance, your only response is "Hmmm." That's it. Is that a good thing? Do you feel better? Are you just..thinking? What?

P.S. I really HATE how we have one date (one really nice date, btw) where we get some food, go shopping, go see a movie, come back to my house and fall asleep together, must mean we're only friends because we didn't fuck around first. I really really hate that. If there are nights when I don't feel particularly "in the mood", just get over it. I like spending time with you, but you must realize that nearly every single time we have spent a night together in the past two years, we have spent it messing around among other things. I don't see the problem with spending a night or two, or maybe a week! doing other things. Going places, seeing things, coming home, talking, sleeping. Sounds great to me. NO, I have not "gone cold". NO, I do not find you unattractive. NO, I do not want to be just friends. No offense, but taking into consideration what you said about relationships, how heavily you weigh them next to marriage, don't you see how even married couples do not spend every night in their bed of steamy, sticky romance? Your parents are in love, but they can spend a night just hanging out. Oh, they must just want to be friends then, right? Seriously. I'm trying to have fun with you, go places with you, make memories. Stop coating them with worries and challenges. When I text you "I miss youuuuuu", don't reply with this: "I miss you too I feel like you only want me as just a friend..." If I wanted to just be your friend, I would be texting to you sweet nothings all day. I love how smoothly you wove together an I miss you and another test of my feelings. And yes, I do refer to it as a test, because, whether you intend it to be this way or not, I am 100% obligated to respond to that comment in the most reassuring and convincing manner possible, despite the fact that, knowing you, it will not make you feel better. (And it didn't btw, this is where you "Hmmm." came in.)

I think I'm done with this entry now. I know! It all sounds really harsh. But in reality, all of these harsh feelings are coming from the same soft center where I keep all my other feelings, feelings of jelly.

I do not know what I am going to do without you. I have been with you for so long. I am going to miss every little thing about you. Your sense of humor, your laugh, your eyes, your smile, your mannerisms and quirks, your style, etc. I can't tell you all of these things though I know you want me to. I feel like everything is a competition: who is hurting more. I know that I am leaving you behind. But I don't think you understand that a lot of the time, my life, the choices I make, the paths I choose, always seem to be coming together in a whirlwind that just picks me up. I didn't choose my life to play out this way on purpose so that you would be left behind. I didn't decide "Yes, I want to leave Jake behind." You need to understand that you are not the only one in pain. Please, please! stop telling me that I am breaking your heart. I can't bare to hear that. Especially when, you don't understand that my heart is being broken too, and I'm not blaming you, so please don't blame me. It's all in the whirlwind, that's what's breaking our hearts.

So let me clarify. I AM BITTER IN THIS ENTRY BECAUSE we are running out of time and you, chronologically have:

-Resented me for "condemning you to a future without me"

-Broken up with me

-Missed me and started datng me again

-Gotten mad at me for petty, immature reasons and

-Challenged my sincerity, fidelity, and intentions

So, does all of this not explain why I am feeling bitter by now? I am trying, very very hard, to find a way to cherish you without hurting you, but all I get in return is cries of pain and blame. I am the only one trying. Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one being smart about this. For a while, I convinced you not to break up with me (Please, I want to spend my summer with you before I leave), and you take that as "Wow, you're just using me!" Another example of how wrongly you interpret my intentions..

Then I just gave in. You want to break up with me: do it. You did it. We barely talked. Then you start talking to me again. And I talk back, because I love you, and, in the same manner that I let you be the one to break it, I wasn't going to be the one to push you away.

But when you began to get angsty, as if you had the right to be mad at me for things like going to a dance, I was purely annoyed. And ever since that night, I have gotten a lot of challenges from you.

I am doing nothing but going through the motions. I refuse to be the one to make the move, because last time I did that, I faced a whole month of you making me out to be some malicious, evil tormentor. So no. If this isn't working, then do something about it..I just need you to know..

That I do not want to lose you. I am very very very unhappy with the way that this is, dare I say, coming to an end. I have had countless memories, firsts, and feelings with/for you. The manner of our break is throwing all of that away. IT is, not me, not you, but there is something I/you can do about it. I have been trying. You have been scolding. I do not want to walk away from Maine and you and us with a sore heart all because I never got the chance to show you how I feel for you, in time, without pressure. I will find a way to say all of this to you, minus the former bitterness, though, and I say this without any harshness or resentment, just truth..you owe me a few apologies, love...