i'm starting the third week of my upward bound advenure today. this year feels so strange to me, everything seems like a repeat. i've done it all before. i've met new people and made new friends. some have taken too much of a liking to me, and it's causing me some stress. i've never had to turn someone down before, and i'm scared for that moment. he's kind of fragile and i don't want to break him. plus, he's one of my best friends here. i'm with him almost all the time. i know some would say just don't hang around him anymore. and i'll try not to. i know he can survive without me, because, i'm not cocky enough to think he can't and he does it all the time when he's throwing a tantrum. ya, he gets mad at me a lot because i frustrate him i suppose. he won't really say what's bothering him but i know it's me. i'm throwing mixed signals and i have to bring an end to it this week. i hope i'm not going to come off too harsh. --- things weren't any better for a while. it felt like my heart was turned off, or that there was just some faulty wiring. i'm not sure what's going on with it these days. it feels like it's flickering, on and off. i told him i was indifferent not to crush his soul, but just to be honest. how can someone expect me to feel, going from happiest girl in the world, to the most heartbroken...some apathy afterwards is kind of peaceful, certainly welcome. this past week when he visited, it felt so familiar. and the moments alone in bailey hallways jumping to the sound of any movement felt like flashbacks. but i honestly do not think i'm ready yet, and i hope you understand. don't get mopey and worried. that ship hasn't sailed. if anything, it tried sailing, ran into a terrible storm, and had to return to the harbor. now it's just waiting for the coast to be clear so it can sail again. i'm waiting for you to do it again. it takes a lot though. a lot of optimism on my part and expectance. you don't really need to do anything. just be yourself, and it will happen again. i will never understand fully how your feelings shifted so much. but okay. we agreed this weekend that you're wishy washy. and that i'm washy wishy because we always seem to be on opposite pages. despite all of this glum conversation, i had a wonderful time this weekend with you. playing in the rain, huddling under umbrellas, taking walks, wading in hot tubs, and playing with eachothers hair. i won't forget about you, though to be completely honest, i've grown accustomed to separating my thoughts from my life this time around. you're not ever gone from me. you're just a secret thought that i think about when the day is slow. "can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all." i don't even feel like a person right now. how strange it is to think that other people actually know me or know of me. that i take up space in this world, in someone's mind. that my name plays a waste of breath on someone's tongue. how strange.