i had this fear that the only reason he's been saying such amazingly sweet things to me lately is that he has been trying to convince himself to feel that way again. i'm beginning to feel that it's true. i said to him this morning that i believe that if i had only told him that i was in love with him the moment i knew it to be true, months and months ago, none of this bad would have happened. his response was just "okay..." (not even my deepest, most thoughtful and personal feelings strike a chord in him anymore.) last night when i tried to explain to him the messy, confusing feelings i've been having his response was "no offense but i don't care.. it's not worth getting stressed about so i'm not going to try that hard to understand.." then he'd finish it with a "i'm here for you though." not only does that not make any sense, but it made me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. he doesn't care enough to try and understand me anymore. where did that love go..? the kind that i could see and feel all the time in this strange and new fiery desire to know me and to make me feel good about myself and to understand me and to make me feel understood and to show me that i'm accepted. where did that all go? as of this moment, i feel completely misundestood. i feel like a nuisance and i feel like my time is over. i cannot put into words how in love with you i was. i wish i hadn't waited. i paced myself with telling you because i was scared and i wanted it to be perfect. i remember setting up dates with you and coming close to saying it, but then time would close in on us and i'd wait until next time. i had no worries. but when things between us began to turn sour unexpectedly and i didn't understand why, i just held on to that love, knowing, hoping that i'd get my chance again and we'd be good. things didn't get better. we had our moments. but we are so numb to each other now that even if i were to print this off and recite it to you to your face with tears sparkling in my eyes and a shaky voice on the verge of breaking, i'd be lucky to get a sigh from you or a pair of out-reached arms, so warm, so inviting, so safe like i remember. you may feel as though i have only broken your heart, but i can feel it too. please understand me.