done with college stuff for now. next to do: financial aid and scholarships. i think (hopefully) i'll get a lot of financial aid because my parents have practically nothing in the bank.

dont bother reading this, its a rant.

i hate money and everything that has to do with it. i can't stand it when people judge the way of my life when they don't and never will be able to understand. thousands of dollars of my money spent by other people. last year my sister and i were both given five thousand dollars by our aunt. my dad of course said he was going to hold on to it and put it in a time lock and we told him not to because we would need it for things. everything from drivers ed to senior pics/dues to college and school stuff. he didnt listen and he put it in a time lock for a year. despite this, he used half of the money as collateral for a loan he took out, so even though the year is up, we will not get our college money in time for college until he pays back the loan. and the other half? even though it was under a time lock, he broke the lock to spend the rest on his bills.

ten thousand dollars of our college tuition spent by him, and he wonders why we would give him shit about money. now my mother won't let me spend anything because im going to "need it to buy books for college". for christmas, i felt pretty pathetic. compared to last year, i could barely buy anything. now we have to try and find money for drivers ed all over again because my dad spent the money he had set aside for it. i should have known this would have happened. if i did, i wouldnt have spent the money i raised this summer from working. im thinking of learning how to drive elsewhere. it shouldnt be so expensive. or they should at least have a deal for twins..ha. that'd be convenient.

even so it won't matter depending on where i go. if i go to new york, i won't need a car. and most schools dont allow freshman to brings cars. even if i get my license, i won't have a car for months after that. again, i hate money.

but even though for the past year and a half our plans fell apart because of all of that money lost, i know i can still get by without a license for a while longer. my mom didnt have one until she was twenty one. and brooke has never had one and she is twenty one. it seems im in a family of late bloomers. late bloomers and hard workers, so im content.

the one reason why i wish i had a license and/or car is that it would have made job hunting easier this past fall. even though some places were hiring, i couldn't apply because i don't have "reliable transportation". i hate how my stepmom always says "apply anyway. if you ever need a ride, we can give one to you." thats not true. they have one car that my dad uses to go to work and on days when my stepmom doesnt have it because she doesnt wake up to bring my dad to work herself, then i'd be screwed. so there's no way i can depend on them.

living downtown seems like a blessing because of all of the business, but none of them are hiring because they are family owned places that only need one person to survive. no one has the means to fund another worker. i know because i've asked. the art mart would have been perfect because i worked in one this summer, but, again, not hiring. they dont make enough money to hire someone else.

so we've asked alex's for a job over three times because they're the only place that hires school students and its in walking distance. they said the same thing they said last fall: "come back in april". okay, this year i can because i dont have upward bound.

whenever i talk to my mom about it, about how i need money to get a license, money to get a car, job to get money, license and car to get a job. what the hell am i to do. and her answer is always that it wouldnt be so difficult if A: "Your dad didnt spend all your money." and B: "You don't have what other people have because you're parents are divorced."

i know it wouldn't have helped much but i wish i tutored that kid in ninth grade. i was too nervous but i would have gotten paid. then again, i would have spent that money by now.