this week has definitely not been a good week. it just seemed like one bad thing after another. i'm surprised that at times i could smile and have fun, because i know i did. it's just that overall, everything was too much to handle. i don't understand why this is happening. i hope you're right. i hope this "works". i can only see two things happening. either we're closer, or we're further. i hope it's the former. i don't know how to feel either though. i feel like it needs to be a conscious decision. either i make an effort to be happy or i try to stay sad. i don't want to be sad. i want to be happy. but not without you. and i'm afraid that if times i can find it within myself to smile and laugh here and there, it will mean something bad, like i'm happy without you. i have always felt that it's normal for people to need time apart sometimes. i don't think it's wrong or selfish or weak. we're all human. it's natural to desire the company of others at times or to just want time to do other things. you told me you understood what i was saying. i asked you and you said you did. i told you that i was afraid you were just saying it, that when you got home later, you'd think about it and realize that you don't understand. that you're scared and worried. and that's what happened. all of the things that you said last night...i'm sorry. i apologized so many times. i'd be lying though if i were to say it didn't hurt at all to see that you were beginning to hate me. or at least resent me. and i'm sorry. i don't want to be apart from you. i want to be with you still, of course. i don't want to be with you if you don't want me though. i wish you could just tell me how you feel without answering my questions with "if that's what you want". and i wish you would stop saying "i don't know" to everything i say. why can't you ever be honest with me...i want you to be blunt. please be straightforward. --- i'll look out for you till i die. till i rot. i'll remember you till i die. till i rot. --- i wish i could talk to someone who knew how i felt. i wish i could run to someone, fall to my knees and cry out "is this it? is it over? do i feel the same way?" and they could kneel to my level and say "no, it's not over. you will always love him. you love him." i talk to some people and they just say "only time will tell. you'll have to wait and see." how is that good advice? telling me i'll have to wait for it to end before i know it's going to end. how does that help me? it doesn't. i'm not going to be a quitter. once this year is over, i can be myself again. my stresses are changing me and i hate myself. i hate who i am. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.