I've really had an awful week. I haven't been productive, I've been stressed and caught off guard by so much. I have given up on dealing with this. I want to let go and start over. By myself. I worry too much. I'm realizing a lot of my weaknesses and my strengths, and I want to know how to work around or use them.

Unfortunate Events: found out I have to quit all my jobs soon, noticed someone stole my bike, had to listen to a lot of hurtful things from Jake, didn't sleep til 4am for lots of unnecessary reasons, missed a class, missed a meeting with my advisor and pissed him off, so on and so forth.

I know everything my mom says is true. It's just hard to hear. I don't want to just throw everything away. And I worry because, though it sounds like I'm tootin' my own horn, I'm stronger than he is, by far. I know how to push myself and turn myself around and fix my problems and find help if I need it and accept new ideas. He is very stuck in his ways. There's nothing wrong with that, because clearly I am too. To a certain extent, we all are. But he's stuck in thinking things that I believe are immature, ignorant, naive, closed-minded, and they're holding him and consequently us back.

He hurt me a lot with the words he said. How can someone get so angry they say all of these things. Jake doesn't know how to look back at the pain he once felt and realize that it's in the past and that since feeling such pain he has gained insight to why things went the way they did. He doesn't see progression or positive change. He looks back at past situations and associates them with past emotions. If he continues to feel old pain, he will never truly realize how it has become solidified by his own doing. He constantly reinforces these notions that he has collected and at times of stress or anger it all gets thrown in my face.

If this entry doesnt make sense it's because Ive been writing it over a couple days.

Since this ^^^ which I wrote on Friday, it's now Sunday and a lot has happened. I don't want to get into it except to say that I'm even more overwhelmed and have lost all of my patience. I can't even have a normal conversation with him without getting stressed out and fed up. I want us to be okay, but it will most definitely take time. We've made the decision to try some changes, mainly being that he will not gripe about me wanting to hang out, party, or anything with my friends. I won't have to feel obligated to "check in" with him or run all of my plans by him. I will without his reminders because the reminders make me feel like a child on a leash.

I'm exhausted from all of this and am just trying to balance my school work and social life here. Our relationship is not going to be on my mind until I can bare it, and I can't right now. I tell him to stop sayng "I cant believe this, Im so hurt, Im so confused, Im so surprised, Why is this happening.." Oh my gosh, stop you're fucking whining! He says he understands and that he'll stop pestering me with unanswerable questions and yet he's texting me right now with the same attitude, griping about everything like its the end of the world.

I feel sick to my stomach. Ate too much pie. Im just going to try and relax...