i feel cold right now. i have my bambi blanket with me as always. it helps, and it's soft. everyday i have the same things on my mind. it never seems to change. i've been thinking a lot about how i feel about him. i can't explain it and i've even talked to him before about how my relationship with him is making me realize how much i really am scared of being in love. sometimes i just call it fear of commitment, but that's really not the right word. i'm just afraid of being in love. why, i'm not sure. i think about how i feel when i'm with him. how hard it is to be away from him. how many memories i already have with him. i think about all of the thoughts i used to have when i was trying to figure out how i felt about him then, and it's funny that he and i felt the same way about a lot of things. he knows things about me that i have never ever ever told anyone and told myself that i would never tell anyone. but he changed that. he makes me feel special and appreciated and wanted. he makes me feel like i can be a blessing in other people's lives or that i already am in his... he is good for me. he's one of the nicest people i've ever met. granted, you can easily see flaws in a person once you've been so close to them for so long. but none of those things could change the way i feel. i know that i'm worse in a lot of ways. he's just one of the things i think about everyday. almost every minute. i think about how i feel. a lot of times i think i know, but a lot of times i try to find the one word to describe what my life is like at this exact moment, and i can't find it. i don't think the word exists. because i can use words to describe certain parts of my life. but the whole thing as one? it's impossible. that other half of my life is full of confusion. i don't understand why things like this happen, and i remember the days where it seemed impossible that something like this could happen. and i remember believing in it all one hundred percent, and i just don't understand how someone can have so much faith in this one thing just to find that in the end it's not there anymore. maybe there really is nothing to have faith in except God. something about that makes me so sad. i want to believe in people. in myself. i want to be able to believe in whatever i want to. to not be judged by my beliefs and not have them stolen from me or proven wrong or false. i want to live through days where ideas and dreams and plans come true and follow through and when everything really did seem like a possibility. i could think up the best case scenario and actually have faith that things would end that way. but now i see that things can't always be as perfect as i once dreamed that they would be. and even now, i can feel my throat tightening. if it's not going to change and i know that, then why do i still think about it? i really don't want to anymore. people always say that it's good to have a plan. i'm never going to try and plan my life ever again.