It's strange that when some aspects of my life finally seem to be settling down, no longer adding to the heavy load, other parts of my life just blow up in my face. I know a lot of these things in my mind aren't all that recent or all that new. I know I've been through this before. And most of the time, when I talk to him about it, when I talk to other people about it, they all, everyone says the same old things, and I'm feeling like I need to do something new.

It's not like he hasn't treated me that way before, the way he did on Sunday. I told him, before he even said anything, "The way you've been acting lately..it reminds me of last summer.." and most people don't know any details. But last summer was miserable. Especially towards the end. Jake turned into this insensitive guy who would say whatever he thought at the moment without even questioning whether it's honest, truthful, or fair. One of the worst fights happened last summer in which he listed a series of my flaws, told me other people in his life disapproved of me, made me feel like shit. And I, like the pathetic girl I am, stuck around, sucked it up and stuck around. And eventually he got better. He stopped being, for lack of a better word, mean.

So this Sunday, I could just tell. He was acting wary. The night before, I woke up with a text telling me that his friends all think I don't like them, but he said it in a blaming way, and I replied with a variety of things: "Why do they say that?" "I've always liked them." "I'm sorry they feel that way." "Sometimes I feel like they don't like me much either." Feeling hurt and suddenly insecure, his only response was a mere "Idk.." Okay thanks for the reassurance.

So then the next day I just said, "You're acting different. It seems like you're just dying to lash out at me, tell me everything you hate about me. I feel like that's what you were trying to get to last night." He doesn't really respond to this at first, but then slowly he eases his way into a painful tangent about how I'm subtly manipulative and that I make my friends feel like I hate them and that he feels the need to back both of us up when we're all together and that he feels under pressure and all of this stuff. And I just couldn't believe it. It WAS what he said to me last summer, only last summer, it was his family who hated me. Come to find out months later from his mom that that was never true, they never thought of me all of the things Jake said they did. It seems to me that his insecurities manifest into a series of blame attacks on me.

And to top it all off, he has not gotten it into his head how I feel about my going away to college. We discussed it. We talked it out and worked at making a decision: do we stay together (try the long distance thing) or do we break up. Or do we stay friends even? Idk. Well, he asked me over a month ago this question and I said to him:

"We could try staying together but the only thing is..I can't even imagine you being a mere friend because I don't think you'll ever talk to me again."

And his response:

"To be completely hoenst Vanessa, I'm probably never going to call you or talk to you."

And this I knew. Jake is kind of sensitive. He would probably implode if he called me while I was at college. Why? Because he cannot handle the idea of having to talk to me about life if my life does not consist of him. And even in the present, when he is in my life, he still can't hold a conversation with me because now his whole attitude is "You're graduating. I"m not. You're going to college. I'm not. You're leaving. I'm not." It's a big pity party that I can't do anything about and he's even told me flat out that he envies me, that I make him feel insecure by going to college.

Wtf. He has the ability. He's had the ability all year to study and graduate on time. As a matter of fact, if he'd started his schoolwork in September like everyone else, he actually could have graduated before me.

So, as I was saying, Jake wouldn't be able to talk to me while I'm at college. Any question like "Hey, Vanessa. What are you doing?": he wouldn't be able to ask it. Because my response would be something that doesn't involve him. Going to study. Going to class. Going to this event or that event. Whatever, it doesn't matter. He's so hypersensitive to it. It would make him miserable because he would weakly wallow in his self pity even longer being reminded of what I'm doing. Not only that, but of course he's paranoid about me meeting other people. Blah, it's not even my main concern right now. I've got other things on my mind.

But back to the big question. Do we stick together or break apart. Well, after he told me he probably wouldn't be able to talk to me at all, I said "Well..how do you suppose we have a successful (as in stable or healthy) relationship if you would never talk to me or ask my about my life?" And to this, he sort of just sighed, seeming to say "You know me Vanessa. I just can't do it that way."

Well, when this conversation ended, I made the decision. We can't stay together. If we do, we will, what? Suffer for three more months before we give up? Be tied down by strings that reach across two states? And for what? A Christmas visit? If he isn't even willing to talk to me, let me know he's here, get busy with his own life and grow here while I grow there, I don't see how we can have anything more than a sad, far away friendship. And so I'm hoping that by easing the stress of deciding whether to keep going "strong" or break apart, I've opened some doors to a new way of staying in touch.

And what do I get for this ability to accept...a lot of hell. Jake believes I'm insensitive. He's told me that it seems as though I took our two year relationship as a joke because I can "let go so easily". This is not true! It's not easy, especially being the one that needs to man up and say "Let's not beat around the bush. A long distance relationships w/o phone calls would be torture. Let's just savor what we can, and learn to let go together." I feel VERY good about myself for having made this decision practically ON MY OWN. I am not going to baby him for being unable to chit chat with me while I'm away. I'm not going to make promises like "I promise I won't date anyone. I promise I won't forget you. I promise I won't talk to anyone." and all the other things he's paranoid about just to ease his mind and sacrifice my own freedom to live.

He thinks I'm evil, or at least he treats me as though I'm evil. Under the circumstances, this is how I want it to be: we agree that a long distance relationship will painfully fail with the restraints that are being put on it and for the time being we should cherish this summer TOGETHER and work through our pains TOGETHER. His ideal method: "I want to break up with you so that I can start teaching myself to live without you as soon as possible because it just hurts too much." Wow, isn't that the weakest, saddest, and cruelest way to break up with someone. He's told me countless times how badly he wants to "stop caring about me." As if it's supposed to make me feel good that he cares "so much it hurts". That doesn't make me feel good.

I asked him how he'd feel if he didn't spend the summer with me and then I left and something happened to me. I asked if he'd regret not spending the last few months with me. He thought this question was cruel; I was just trying to be realistic. Three people in my family have died in the last four months. I've been reminded of the value of spending time with those I love a million times over. But his answer to my question? "Actually, I'd be happier knowing that I didn't make your last months miserable with my depressing attitude." Nice to know that he wouldn't wish he'd spent more time around me.

I don't know how to put into words how much that silly little comment hurt me. He wouldn't want to spend the last months of my life with me? What if I had a terminal illness and had three months left? Would he avoid me like he is now just to "get rid of the pain" of loss. What the fuck. I know this isn't death, but I still want to be with him before I leave.

It hurts so much that he thinks I'm being malicious by "putting him through the misery" of "falling more into love" with me before I leave. Whatever happened to Better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all?

This was quite the rant. But we're just at a stalemate right now. I love him so much, even though all of my family and friends have had plenty of unkind things to say about him this past month. We're kind of keeping our communication at a minimum right now just so he can "work on himself" like he wanted to. At least for a couple weeks. It's hard. I feel like he hates me.

But, aside from that, I do feel good knowing that I am strong enough to accept the future and not so weak that I crumble and abuse and neglect and wallow.