i dont want to think about it anymore. im so tired of having this on my mind. and im tired of feeling guilty for letting my feelings out. there was no way of doing it except by speaking the truth. and i already know im going to pay. but i just dont know where to begin. it all just hurts a lot. it didnt hurt as much until i started feeling like this. until i started seeing it everywhere i looked. i dont want it on my mind anymore. i dont want to think about it. it cant only be hurting me, but somehow i feel like its only my problem. no matter what, ive tried still, as hard as ive ever always tried, to be the best i can be for her and for us. but there really is no us anymore, and im fighting for nothing. so, i had been succeeding in moving on, but only when i didnt realize that i had anything to move on from. now that i see whats going on and in what directions we're each going, i cant help but try to stop and try to crawl my way back. so now im not moving in any direction and im standing in the middle just watching everyone else make conclusions and decisions all by themselves as i try to make sense of it all. why does everyone seem so sure of what they're doing? i dont understand how others can be so willing to forget it all. it all started then and its continuing now. it all started then. i remember it so clearly. and i remember her saying it was going to change everything. but i dont understand how a change in my life changed all three of us. it couldnt have just been me. i look for someone to blame and i always think i know who but thats not fair, and im lying to myself. sometimes i think if i had never found happiness in this way, i could have forever had happiness in the way i had before. but it could have never stayed that perfect. and it didn't. it all hurts so much. i know other people are more harsh about everything. but i continue to watch my words, why? i dont even know. i think im just used to being careful. not that it was much of an effort. i do think im naturally this way. but just because i dont say things in as harsh of a way doesnt mean i dont have opinions that can sometimes be offensive. or just simply true. something else thats changed during these past months that ive noticed is my ability to express. i dont know why. i find it so difficult to show certain people how i feel. i think its because of the way it all started. what started it all was the very first argument. from then on, i had been afraid to talk. and now. i just cant jump back. i do remember though when i used find it easy to just start talking about how i feel. i wish it was still that easy. even when she's telling me things, i can't find the strength inside me to cut in and say how i feel. or the strength to hold back the tears. i dont know what to do. it hurts a lot. i really really really do just want to delete her from my life. just so there's no more pain. and not out of spite. just for relief.