this weekend was very very long but it was worthless in some ways. in other ways, i found some things to really care about. i'm starting to value certain people differently, more. and then again, i've started to realize, that i've lost quite a few things in the past year or so. i'm not going to start regretting, but i'm not going to stop forgetting. i thought about a lot this weekend. i've apologized, and made it up to him in some ways. i just want to make him smile again. the way i used to. it's so sad to have lost that value in someone else's eyes. i was having trouble functioning friday night, saturday morning. i felt like i had no one to talk to, and though i found some people, i don't feel their presence anywhere near me. not unless i call upon them. i remember the days where i felt like i mattered enough to someone that if they knew i was going through something, they would take the initiative, not because it's what i expected or demanded. but because they cared enough to and didn't worry about seeming overconfident by claiming that place in my life. because they had every right to, and it was pretty much fact. "how strange it is to be anything at all." how strange it is to matter to a person. how strange it is to not matter anymore. if i could, i'd ask everyone who has ever valued me why they don't anymore, or ask the few who still do, why they haven't left me. i want to know what i am to people. i once had faith in the idea that what one person means to another is something that could never change. some things that have happened to me since then have led me to believe that that's not always true. but when i believed that, i was happy. i was content in believing a lie or at least an illusion. i've been thinking lately, that maybe it's not all as fake as i was believing it to be. i can still believe. just this time, in different people. my family has never left me. my immediate family. everyone else, has come and gone. that hurts so much to think about, but it only hurts me now. i'm sick of being the only one in pain over this. so i'm making the conscious decision to stop believing in everyone else and start believing in myself. if i don't matter to all the people that i used to, then so be it. i want people to take me as i am now. take my flaws too. i never was perfect and i never will be. this speech is a reminder to myself.