i dont want to taint this entry with the stresses in my life, the things i hate, or the things that are eating away at me. but there's just so much going on. i need to write it down. i wish i knew what to do to help you. you seem so lost lately and i don't know why. maybe you're reading too much into things? you need to find the spark you had before. it breaks my heart to see you this way and to watch you ruin yourself all over again. i don't think i can do it. this is the type of thing that needs a miracle. i'll pray. don't worry. you'll be fine. i love you. --- i really can tell you anything. sometimes i think of the things that happened that somehow convinced me you don't care anymore. but i see that's not true. i see that you do. i'm not fully convinced, not like i was before. but i'm getting there. and what you do for me is worth a million thank yous. you have always listened to me. i don't know why you think i'm so special. i need you more than you need me. i still love you and i always will. it's nice to know that when i text you, tell you i'm upset, that i want to leave, in less than an hour i'm on my way to your house. you didn't think twice about it. it's was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. there are so many things i want to say to you. but i don't know where to begin. i don't know what we are, i don't know what we'll be. i hate to hear you talk of the future. you don't seem as sure as you used to. it's like the roles have reversed because i still see you by my side someday, i still pretend we're meant to be, sometimes i really believe we are. i was so happy last night. you turned my life upside down, at least for that night. i don't care about labels anymore. i don't care if people think we're not together, because as far as i'm concerned, we are...well, i don't know. you want more time, so i'll wait for you, and i'll pray everyday that my heart can stretch that far. --- i know things haven't felt the same in a long time. it's not far to compare any of this to anyone else, and i really try not to. i've tried my hardest to give in and accept what has happened, and i'm doing an okay job. i can't help that sometimes i get sad over it. i don't mean to be melodramatic when i say that it almost seems like a tragedy sometimes. i don't know anything about you. i only watched you grow. this statement may be worn out and even drenched with guilt by now, but i don't mean it to be, but i do know i'm not needed anymore. i'm not going to lie and say it's okay. i'm not like you or other people. i can't ever find someone new in the end. i can't ever recreate relationships, not that that's what you have done. all i know is that i can't and there are times where i feel like that's the only solution to this problem. just know that you can always talk to me. i don't know when you need me unless you tell me. love you always. --- i have things i have to do now. life moves so fast sometimes. i feel like my time is running out.