as for what happened friday afternoon, i've accepted it and i've decided that there is no need to mention the way you acted or bring it up again until.. you do it again. so i'm accepting it for now, but the third strike is when you're gonna hear it from me. i don't care what the reason is, when someone is crying you don't:

a.) walk away and say "seeing you cry, i really don't care."

b.) give the person some sort of ultimatum, i.e. "either go to bed or act like you're not upset anymore."

c.) make someone feel guilty for expressing their feelings, especially when it's so important for that person to let it all out.

d.) get mad at a person for continuing to cry and not accepting your advice because they're too upset about their grandmother dying.

e.) telling that person to suck it up when they have every right to let themself feel the emotions they've been repressing all week.

so heads up. if you do any of those to me again, i'm just gonna straight up tell you to stop making me feel like shit for having emotions all just because deep down you wish you could cry too. and what kind of person ASKS someone else to fake happiness in order to spare their own selfish happiness.

i know writing all of this makes me sound like i'm still bitter, and parts of me are. but i just wanted to jot this all down because someone won't let me say it aloud. basically this is a note to self that i'm not going to be made to feel the way i did on friday ever again.

you mean more to me than anyone ever, and i love you more than anything. part of loving someone is accepting their flaws, but if your flaw is reacting the way you do when someone you care about is trying to vent to you (sometimes not even about the relationship), then that's one flaw that needs to be worked on. i think the way you try to make me repress my own emotions so that they don't stress you out is selfish and unhealthy for both of us. for you because you are in denial of what true emotions are and you refuse to learn how to respond to the reality of emotions and for myself because i'm constantly being forced to take all of the emotions i need to let it out and shove them back inside against my own belief that it is the wrong thing to do. i know i have other people like valerie to vent to, and you listen to me most of the time, but for the times when you can't muster the strength to help me through something that i need you for, i feel like improvement is necessary. if you could feel the way you make me feel by saying the things you do to me at my lowest moments, you would understand how wrong you are handling the situation. in other words, you do not freak out on someone while they are crying about their grandmother dying. it's wrong.

alright, i feel like i've stated me feelings enough here. aside from all of that unnecessary drama, i love you and love being around you. (even though you're not reading this) please understand that my anxiety over all of this and the resentment i'm holding in just for now doesn't change any of my feelings. i do not plan on holding any anger in and i'm hoping to get to a point when you can help me express my feelings rather than shut me up and to a point when you can see for yourself what exactly you do to me when you say the things you did.

again, aside from that, when you do have the strength to help you, you really are a huge help. friday night, that conversation with my mom, you really helped a lot. if you weren't there, i would have freaked out. i know you probably don't understand why because her feelings just make so much sense, but after a while it can really be a lot to handle. so i don't want you to think that you don't ever help me. but there are just times when you do not help me, and you actually just do the opposite and make it worse. i know you wouldn't want to do that. neither of us like it. i just believe we both need to work on ourselves, and i know people will never be perfect and you know i know that. i've always hated that word. but i have also always believed that life is about learning and while improvement seems futile to many, if it means helping or strengthening a relationship that means the world to both of us, i see nothing wrong with being a little critical sometimes. and i have in the past and would be willing in the present to listen if you too felt like you needed to (respectfully) tell me how you feel.

i love youuuu