i absolutely hate myself right now. i feel vulnerable and weak and ashamed just talking about it, but im not the person i want to be right now. i try to stay strong and it backfires so much to the point where im "being strong" for no reason, against nothing, because nothing is threatening me. i just think everything is. i messed everything up and im scared. ironically, i dont want to be around him because it will hurt too much to see how much he really does hate me now. this has always been my biggest fear with everyone i meet. i had a conversation with him about seven months ago. i told him that one day we were going to get into a big fight and he would see a side of me that i wouldn't want anyone to see. everyone's got a bad side and i knew that mine would shock him. i told him that i was afraid one day he would hate me, the day we have that fight. and i told him that i was scared to death but i hoped that he'd still like me, and love me for me. flaws and all. we both knew before hand that in order to really love someone, you need to see the good and the bad, and love them anyway. i just didn't think it was possible that someone could love me after they see the bad and i warned him and i promised him that he would hate me one day. not because i wanted it to happen but i that i wwas dreading it. and now its happened. i can see myself forgetting this, forgetting the past. but one thing ive learned about him is he doesnt forget ever. and he doesnt see the wrong in bringing up the past. why cant the past just be the past? im going to hear about this forever. i can forget. i can move on. not only because it was my own mistake and id do anything to forget it. but because ive learned throughout my life that letting go is for the best. its the right thing to do. holding grudges never helps. but that's what he does. so i know i will never ever ever hear the end of this. never unless he wasn't in my life anymore, but as long as he is, im going to hear about it. i can forget. he cant. so now what? i almost feel pathetic admitting that i still have the strongest feelings in the world for him....it feels like a hopeless crush now. there's no way he feels the same....i just feel helpless