no matter how much i apologize, it is never enough. for anyone who's interested, i guess i could clarify the reason why jake is holding a grudge against me right now. basically, he had said some things that hurt valerie's feelings, valerie was upset and she wanted me to tell jake that and make sure jake didn't hate her, because she felt like he did. so i texted him, trying not to make it sound like an attack. everything i said pretty much came out of valerie's mouth, and when he responded, he was very bitter. i could tell i had stressed him out. he replied with a long winded text that ended with "as of now, i only consider her (valerie) as vanessa's sister". then he sent a text after that that said "basically what i'm saying is a don't give a shit". it was pretty rude. i felt bitter because it was my sister he was talking about. and considering her only my sister after months of his telling her that she was one of his really good, even best friends, was enough to make valerie cry. basically jake tried to fix what he said by saying that he didn't want to get involved anymore, and he realizes he shouldn't have said this and that. he asked that i don't bring it up anymore or it would upset him. i was bitter, so i had an attitude, but i knew what he wanted and replied with "fine! whatever." i was still offended by the comment against my sister of course. after that, he flipped on me. told me my "fine whatever" was bitchy and pissy and he told me to back off. he was swearing at me a lot. after that, his friend tried talking to me. i was fine with that because i understand standing up for best friends, that's what i was doing for valerie. but some of the things his friends were saying really really offended me. he basically told me that jake has been depressed for a while and i need to be there for him...and i was so offended by that, because not only have i been there for him since before his depression to the very present, but the fact that someone thinks i haven't noticed his depression or tried to be there for him was so hurtful. i've practically killed myself with worry and stress over jake's problems and jake's depression and for someone who doesn't know me to come along and tell me to step it up, be there for him, and recognize that he's depressed was just a bit too much. i didn't call his friend any names or anything, but i clearly expressed that he wasn't helping because he was offending me. jake called me soon after and freaked out. he told me that i have stressed him out so much that he swore at his parents (apparently, that's my fault) and that his friend who he says i "seem to think is such an ass" is actually the reason why he wanted to keep trying for our relationship. first of all, he'd never told me that, and second of all, i didn't call his friend an ass. i even texted later and told him to tell his friend that i'm sorry and that i was only offended and i'm not mad at him and i definitely don't think he's an ass for sticking up for jake. i personally, just didn't feel like he knew me well enough to say some of the things he did. but that's over with. valerie thinks jake has turned into the biggest asshole in the last few months. she says that he used to be so kind and respectful and understanding and now he seems almost selfish to the point where he doesn't give a shit about anything. i'd be lying to say i didn't notice that. long story short, jake hasn't forgiven me for pissing him off. he tells me that i had no reason for texting him that stuff about valerie's feelings and that i only did it to piss him off...? seriously? of course i had a reason. my reason was the same reason his friend had for talking to me. it's about donig things for friends, standing up for friends. i had just simply forgotten he doesn't have to ability to talk maturely when he's stressed out. so for that reason, i was wrong to bring it up. i quote end quote "put him over the edge" yesterday. and he hates me. i know he does. i don't know what to do. i can think of at least five different nights that he had ruined for me, nights that he had pissed me off so much i felt like screaming, just like i did to him yesterday. and i have forgiven and forgotten all of them. he will never forgive me for pissing him off. that's what he's mad about. he says i ruined everything. that he was doing so well, he was relaxed, he was fine, and i ruined it. does anyone even know how many times i was sure jake had simply ruined my happiness? ruined my night? my mood? he needs to realize that people piss each other off. i don't know how to tell him this without sounding like i'm just trying to get out from under this bus. but really, he thinks i can't relate. on the phone, i'd told him "my feelings were hurt when your friend said this and that's why i reacted bitterly" and he replied "you don't even know what it feels like to be hurt".... yes i do, i'm a person too. and he can't tell me that i don't know what it feels like to go over the edge, to have my attitude ruined, to be stressed so much i feel like my heart is going to pop. i can think of so many nights i've had like that and they were all because of him. and how did he react to me being over the edge? very differently than me. i sweet talk him, apologize like crazyyy, and am completely understanding of him. what would HE do when i was stressed over my limit? he would tell me that i have stress problems and that i need to calm down and i'm overreacting. he'd tell me "just stop being angry, just stop having a tone, just stop with the attitude". if i had said those things to him, he would have bit my head off. now maybe he'll understand why i couldn't just stop being upset all those nights that he stressed me out. maybe now he'll realize how ignorant he was about it. and maybe he'll think twice before he tells me i have anxiety problems. i don't know, that just kinda hurt. anxiety problems run in my family. and i'd rather not have those problems. so for him to say that, that's like me throwing his depression problems around. it's exactly the same as that, because depression runs in his family as anxiety problems run in mine. i've never been so insensitive to make him feel messed up for being depressed. if anything, i treated him like the victim that he is, and i was always sensitive to him. this entry is too long. but this is what i have no my mind. will he ever forgive me...NO will he ever feel the same for me...NO he will not reply to my messages like he said he would two days ago. he will not call me every night like he promised he would on tuesday. he will not treat me like an angel like he said i deserve after having to put up with his stress. what the fuck. we're both so fucking messed up. why does he think he's so much more of a victim than i am or ever was of him? he's not. and so i've decided, i'm not texting him today though it kinda kills a bit. school is starting soon, life is starting soon. if he texts me...i might reply. i'm not sure yet. if he calls, i will answer. but i am making it clear to him that i am not going to put as much effort into keeping him as i used to. it's so hard. he's my best friend. he knows all of my secrets. i know all of his. i miss feeling like we loved each other so much, we would always be understanding at times like these. i hate the way we are. i tried fixing it by showering him with love. valerie said i need to "stop showering him with love". that he doesn't deserve it especially since he treats me like shit in return. i kinda agree. he treats me like i'm a friend only at convenient times. when he's alone and bored, hey, there's always vanessa! that's how he thinks of me. and i think of him as everything to me. it's so pathetic and unequal. and i need to take a step back. i hate this. how can i feel so guilty even when i know how unfair this is.