things get better. friday night was hard for me. i was exhausted so i barely remember falling asleep with tears on my face, but i know it happened. when i woke up, i was still upset. i talked to my mom and sister about it and they made me feel a lot better. he came over saturday for a few hours. we were in my room on my bed, and i was trying my hardest to not seem bothered anymore. i hate the feeling. when i know that deep down things don't feel right and every time i say anything sweet or even when i say "i love you" i feel like i'm lying. just because it projects a self image of happiness when really im just confused and scared. i cant really explain why it happened. i was just really overwhelmed. they weren't bad feelings i was just scared and i couldn't stop crying. i felt bad because i know i scared him. he told me later that he thought i was going to break up with him or something, and i felt bad for making him think that. it was the opposite. i just told him about how scared i was that something else was going to come along and ruin us. we had discussed earlier that day about how we're actually pretty functional. whatever happened friday night is our only "problem" and it's simply reoccurring which scares me. i don't want it to be the death of us. i love him. i felt so much better afterwards. he said he liked the moment. i liked it too. i went over his house after. i brought the movie. i was hoping he'd like it. while watching it, i was reminded that i love it. i need to pray everyday. i have so much to pray for. i feel myself getting a hold of things, and then things i once had a grip on are suddenly slipping away and i need to ask for help. it's so strange.