i think that i think too much. if, lets just say, there is one person in the whole world that you have always felt secure with, so secure, that the thought of ever losing them or them ever leaving you seems far fetched and unrealistic, but then sometimes you start to feel like, the thought that it couldnt someday happen is actually the unrealistic bit, then are you just being paranoid or overthinking things? am i allowed to feel this way though i told myself i never would? i dont like to argue. i never have, but especially not now. now that im old enough to feel the sting of it and realize that there is a better way to handle things. i hate it so much, that i sometimes catch myself numbing to certain fears or growing assumptions for fear that if i let it slip then i will only make things worse. i dont think this means i am afraid of confrontation, because i am not. i dont fear that the other person will way when i speak to them. it is more what they think. i will never know what she really thinks of me though she says her image of me could never be altered, she once confessed that it was by something that ironically, someone made up about me, which she believed, and when i told her it was a lie she said that though she believes me her image of me was changed and it will take a while for it to change back. doesnt that suck? that something concerning myself so deeply could be so tragically morphed through someone else's doing? that i could have nothing to do with something that consequently affects my relationship with one of my best friends? its not fair and i dont want to go there ever again. i hate the feeling of being told that one's image of you has changed especially when it is immediately after they said all these great things about you. picture this. one of your best friends is on the phone with you and she tells you that she is so thankful to have you as a best friend. all this good stuff, that doesnt give you a big head, it just makes you feel more confident in your ability to be a good friend and do what's right when it comes to those close to you. imagine your best friend telling you that and then days later telling you that those feelings have changed, not because of something you said, but because of something someone else said that you said. are you keeping up?? thats what i mean. thats what happened to me. even after i said "i never said that" and yes, she believed me hands down, even after all of that shit, i will always feel like i am paying for somethign i never did. i will forever be trying to work back up to where i was days before her feelings change. i sometimes wonder if she will ever tell me all those nice things again and if i will ever feel like i am a good friend ever again. right now, i just feel like im trying to earn her trust or security back when i didnt actually lose it. someone else stole it from me and now i have to pay for their mistake. my point is, i know how it feels to be told something so sweet and wonderufl and then to be told that its actually not true after all. it is one of the least intentional things someone could do, but they do it, and it hurts, and i am afraid that if i tell her that my feelings on something are changing, that i will break her heart like my heart was broken all those months ago. dont read this its word vomit you wont get it well, theres no use saying that at the end. youve probably already read it by now.