this might turn into a rant, but i'll try to keep my thoughts organized at least. today i made a short list. what i miss. what i hate. what you are. just what i miss. do i think too much? i must think too much. about everything you have done, and not apologized for. somethings i admit you apologized for a million times over. i've forgiven, but they stay a constant reminder of how you treat me now, so different from the way you used to. i never imagined you the way you are today. you were one of the nicest people i have ever met. so kind and sweet and caring of me, and i had no idea why. you barely knew me. but you cared so much and it showed. i'm not sure if i was a fool to believe that you would always treat me the way you used to. sometimes, i think i must have been, because, i mean seriously. you were going after me, you wanted me to be yours. so i guess it's no surprise you'd call just to cheer me up. now, i feel disposable to you. i do so much for you, i do so much to help you, and i don't get anything back. am i being selfish? am i the one who needs to be more patient? because are you still too weak to try to care? (yes, it is an effort for you to care now, never though it would be, but it is) today, you are actually having a good day! and i hate myself for being too emotional and saddened by what's been happening with us in the meantime to really really feel the relief and satisfaction you must and you deserve. when we fight, you tell me that i think i have you on a leash or something, that i can say whatever i want to you and know you won't leave me. it's funny how you were actually describing what you think when it comes to me. i've never thrown words at you just to break you down. lately, that's your only tactic during a disagreement. seek out and destroy. i really do believe you think i'm going nowhere. you might be surprised when you get a cold shoulder from me. then again, you might not get a cold shoulder because...while i can write all this and believe all this, a part of me knows i can't give up on you. you need me. and i care too much to leave you stranded. but i deserve better than this! i wish you would treat me the way you used to. i wish if were to it wouldn't have to be forced. i wish you could feel that natural urge to care for me like once before. not only because i want us to be right again, but because i deserve some sort of reward for keeping up with you, being there for you, helping you, and letting you lean on me for the past few months. all i ask for is some kindness. some concern. some care. i'm here for you to complain to when you need to vent. to love only if it's convenient and you're feeling mushy. and to bitch at whenever you're convinced i'm attacking. you're not patient. you're not sensitive. you're not understanding. you're not kind. you're not respectful. you're not fair. _________ I'm so glad you had a good day today. I love you. The days will get better. I promise. _________ I have this fear that when this is all over, when he finds himself again, rises from this depression, and all of my hard work and dedication pays off, he'll go off on his own way and leave me behind, go find another girl to make him happy, and I'll get nothing in return. When all I really want is him.