i can't believe how upset she is over all of this. and there's nothing i can do to cheer her up. it's as though she's become completely depressed over the situtation and because no one wants to lie to her, we have no choice but to say "this wouldn't have happened if you didn't...."

i know it isn't my last christmas at home, but it feels like it. actually, depending on where i go, i might not be coming home for christmas next year, so i don't know.

it's strange. all my life it was never my place to comfort her the way i've been trying to do because i've been too young or oblivious. but now even when i do try what i think is best, it doesn't work? it doesn't make her feel even a little better? all that can fix this mess is some prayers, i guess.

---

this is when i sit and say that i am proud of the fact that i never attacked anyone. even though it's been said that i did, i never ever did. and if i truly did, justify it in quotes.

when will people just leave ME out of it? it's my life, and i have the right to sit down, feel good about myself, and then write about it without someone clouding it over with superficial labels. it was an entry about myself, no one but myself, based on a conversation (also about myself) that i had with someone the night before.

i have the right to log my own self-discovery in my online diary without people whining about how i am attacking them in a roundabout way.

i was attacking no one. i was writing about myself. no matter what anyone says, i have been the most civil. anyone who begs to disagree, please, justify that with some quotes too.

i have been working at my life for months and months and for that time my life has been about myself and the people in it, not about anyone else. i do not dwell on the past, and anyone who says i do would not be able to justify that with any words i've said or things i've done. everyday my life has been building into the world that i want it to be, and i am proud and content with the way i am and the people in my life. i feel better about the person that i am and the way that i treat others in my life. what others say about me at this point is either based on nothing or completely ignorant because they do not know me at all, likewise, I have never claimed to know them. not once.

---

if i'm to defend one thing, it is that i never provoked anything, so again, take my name off the hit list. for over a year i've had to deal with you grouping me together with the people you're busy bitching at. well i don't deserve to be bitched at so leave me out of it.