im talking to nick right now on aim. i havent talked to him or seen him in forever and i havent seen or talked to sophia in forever plus 1. you know how when you are away from home for a long time you start to feel homesick and all you want is to curl up in your bed surrounded by familiarity and comfort? well, lately i have had that feeling but its more like nostalgia. its like sophia and nick are where i live and i am so used to being with them and communicating with them that i feel like when im not with them or talking to them, im far away from home. they both work all the time, and even when they arent working i feel like im bothering them when i call. not bothering like annoying them just getting in the way. a huge humongous part of me really does feel like nick and sophia only need eachother. honestly, and its hard to say because i have never ever felt like sophia wanted someone more than me. she's been my best friend forever, her and valerie. and then a few years ago when we all started hanging out with nick, everything was perfect. there were problems here and there since then but now, sophia and nick are "in love" and if i sound like that upsets me, then im gonna say now that it doesnt. its not the fact that they like eachother so much. its more like the fact that even if it wasnt her and nick, if sophia had a boyfriend that wasnt my best friend, im afraid it would probably be the same scenario. i would still feel like sophia cared most about her romance with some guy. i also hate the fact that nick will never talk to me about certain things. its not like i need to know everything, its just that i hate the idea of being his best friend but there being things he doesnt want to tell me. i think its because sophia and i talk about everything and i feel or felt so close to her that i dont want there to be any inequality. i know that there will always be differences between my relationship with sophia and my relationship with nick but closeness cannot be one of those differences. closenss matters. closeness is what defines a relationship. whenever i think about nick and i, i always think about the last serious conversation we had. last year, him and i would have realy conversations all the time, but once summer started and my family didnt have a phone for a while, i feel like he and i grew apart while he and sophia grew closer. that last serious time we talked was earlier this school year, later in summer. i had called him to confront him about something that he told sophia i said that was a lie and it had upset sophia, so i got mad at nic and tried talking to him about it, and not only did everything get resolved but we started talking about serious things and i felt really close to him for a while. sophia had actually let me call him to confront him because she was going to but said i could talk to him first. while i was still talking to him she called and was sooo mad at me. and i felt horrible. i felt like such a horrible person because i had been on the phone with him for atleast an hour, i dont remember the time. all i remember is when i told nick i had to go and sophia wanted to call him, i was so upset because (and this is how i know that he felt close to me too) he said he didnt want to go and he and i were both sitting there like "i dont want to stop talking!" and it just reminded me of last year.whenever he and i would talk about serious things and hae really good conversations, neither one of us would want to go. so we had to do this thing where we count to three and both of us hang up because neither of us wanted to. it just reminds me of how many times we used to have to do that because neither of us would want to go. i remember how during that conversation nick had asked me if i wanted to watch snow white with him later over the phone and i said that i wanted to but him and sophia were going to be talking. its just bad timing. if sophia and him werent going to talk that night i could have stayed up with him and things would have felt the way they used to between him and i. hardly ever do i envy things. or should i say hardly ever do i admit to envying things. but i do envy the fact that sophia and nick can be so close while val and i fall short. i envy their closeness. i hate the fact that their eyes are tuned to their relationship and have been ever since i remember finding out how they felt about eachother. since before that actually, back when it was a secret. ive always resented the fact that he and she had their "first date" on the saturday that sophia, val, and i had been planning to do things on. it hurt when i called sophia up on friday, said "so tomorrow you can drive people. what are you going to do?" and hear her say "nic and i are going on a date." i remember when she got her license, she said that the day she can drive people she wanted to take all of us to coldstone and panera bread. then it changed to iParty to get halloween costumes and then to eat, and then it changed to sophia and nicks date, except i was still under the impression we were doing something with her i know i must have seemed spiteful when i told her that if we were going to do something i wanted it to be like a girl's day out thing, since for the six months that sophia has had her license, she has gone to nicks or to the mall to be with nick and never once come to visit us or make plans with us. i know that its a long way from her house to mine and the gas prices are big or whatever. but i cant help feeling like she could have traded two trips to nicks house for one to ours in that whole six months. ugh, whatever. im probably just being spiteful. i dont know. its just that in the end it seems like the spotlight has been on her and nicks relationship and im getting kind of tired of feeling this way.