i feel like a lot of the time i haven't been so honest with myself about a lot of the things in my life. there are people in my life that will always always matter. the people that used to always be there, that aren't here anymore, the people that i used to tell everything to, i will never have that relationship again, not with anyone else and not with them. but it will always matter. i would be lying if i said i didn't ever miss it, but i've accepted the fact that i can't miss something like that any longer especially since it could never be justified by any real mutuality. i'm not looking to force feelings, and so i have moved on from then and there and am giving all of my attention and effort to now and here. and about him, i believe that i have a problem. sometimes i think we have the same problem. it seems that im in the habit of only valuing our relationship by our condition at the present second, if that makes any sense. i sometimes cloud out the bigger picture: the fact that he knows things about me that no one else knows and that i told myself no one else would ever know, the nights we stayed up breaking rules and being ourselves together and forgetting about everyone else, the times where we told each other how we felt no matter how insensitive it may have sounded, no matter how revealing, no matter how raw and vulnerable it made us feel, all those times i cried over things between us and things that had nothing to do with us, and how all those times he still treated me with the care i needed and he wiped away my tears and let me cry all over his shirt. we don't fight much, really fight, we only bicker sometimes, and it had been really getting on my nerves. i feel hard to please sometimes and it makes me feel guilty. i get annoyed by things that don't make sense, and to be perfectly honest, i think it is very possible to overuse the words "i love you" and the words "i'm sorry". and actually, if i'm making a list, i might as well say that i feel everything he says to me is being overused. i know he's telling the truth and i know he means what he says, but i can only smile and say "love you too....you are too....blah blah too" so many times. there are times where those sweet words are all i want to hear, but at the moment, honestly, i would love to have a different conversation. i told him once that there are times where i'd rather talk about something other than "how i feel" about him, because i feel that he knows and he doesn't need a reminder. i know i probably sound picky right now or irritated by nothing. there are people out there that can't ever get their partners to say i love you or say sweet things. but in this case, there is too much of a good thing, because that good thing is losing it's meaning. it's not so good anymore. it's more annoying to be having a normal conversation and to be interrupted by "i love you! sorry. i just needed to say that...my feelings are so strong....blahhh" i just want to talk about other things. there are so many things in the world to talk about. with him it's either we only talk about how much we love each other or we don't talk at all, and only use one worded responses like "ya" or "ok". that's another pet peeve of mind, i must admit. another thing, i wish i could say this all to him, but he is so sensitive. i can't try to talk to him about something like this (that's actually kind of little and asking very little) without him thinking i don't want him anymore. i feel like i need to word my thoughts just right in order to not scare him. oh well. i will try. it's worth it in the end, i mean i don't want us to get stale. i feel like everything is moving so fast all of a sudden. i'm in a completely different place with completely different people compared to where i thought i'd be and who i thought i'd be with. a part of me feels like i need to become more of an adult because the aging of my mind is inevitable more so than my body. my thoughts are always flowing and they hardly repeat themselves. i need to stay on top of it. i keep telling myself that there are things i can't ever do, and i need to remind myself that i can. i just need to try and pray.