im so sure of the truth that i dont even want to talk to anybody about it because then they'll just confirm that my fears are real. if i can go on believing, or trying to believe, that i stand a chance or that i matter, then maybe i can pull through to a day where i can maybe believe it all for real. i dont want to be looked at as this inferior variant of the person. they will always overshadow me. and im scared to let anyone know. i dont want people to see that i actually care about it when i never used to. its just that things change and new people become a part of my life and suddenly opinions that wouldn't have affected me before can turn my world upside down and words of those who never used to exist my life can now crush me and rip me open. i dont like this new fear. why does this feeling have to join my life along with this person. i wish i could just go along with everything and not feel the pressure to explain every detail to people. people who dont want to hear it. i dont think she does and she would beg to differ but what can she expect? im not that strong and i fall easily to my perceptions. and i cant help it if what i see warps my actions and causes me to be more cautious. it all makes sense why i act the way i do, and i hope everyone can see that its not an excuse. no one has ever been in the position i am in. and if they were, then maybe they'd see how confusing it can be. i never thought it would be this way, but it is and i dont want it to be. i cant see it ever changing. i cant see her adapting to this. she doesnt like change. she wont want to hear me say that i think i might love him. she will say that im crazy and that i barely know him. i know she knows him better than i do. i know they have known each other for years. and i know that this is all knew to me. but i need to try this on my own. i know this probably doesnt make sense to anyone. but it just feels good to be able to write all of this out. there is so much i havent told a single soul. its not like me. there is never one thing going on in my mind that at least one person doesnt know about. for the past three months, i have had a range of emotions, opinions, feelings, thoughts, and worries that i cant share with anyone because no one will understand. everyone is biased. im biased. she's biased. they all are. and we cant understand each other because all we see are ourselves.