i feel like i've never been more confused in my life. i'm always thinking about him and sometimes i just feel like i want this to be over, i want to be together again. but other times, i get to thinking and everything that pissed me off or made me upset or made me think bad thoughts just clouds up my brain and i can't think of anything but bad. i've never been too sure if i believe in breaks but sometimes i wonder what could be. i'm so afraid that i may never see him again. i get jealous when i imagine him with another girl. it's so pathetic. i get uneasy when i'm around my friends because there's this elephant in the room. except...i'm the only who knows it's there...but that just makes it so much harder because it's all up to me to give everyone the low down. i hate going to school and hearing all of my friends talk, and they mention jake and they call him my boyfriend and i just don't have the energy or the clarity to correct them. a part of me, when i'm asked if i'm dating someone, doesn't feel single. i just feel like saying, yup, jake, and smiling. but i feel like such a liar. we said this was mutual but i feel so much like it was my doing. so much that i can't fix this. only he can. or we can. but if anything, i want it up to him. wooow, so confused. i have so much work to do, essays to write, colleges to search, projects to complete, interviews to do, but i am lacking the mental energy i need to move on right now. i just wish i knew the way things would end so i could just accept it and concentrate on the now. for now.