of disney movies. i will most definitely watch another disney movie tonight. perhaps the little mermaid or the aristocats which i have watched perhaps four times this week. i have a problem. so, yea, school's started. i cannot believe how much homework i have had already. we're reading the scarlet letter in my american lit class and i feel like im the only one struggling with it. i feel like the dumbest one in my class, but apparently no one in the class is dumb because its an honors class. last year i had the same teacher for english, but i spoke up more in last years class and i felt more confident in my abilities. this year, i just feel intimidated by all of the smarties around me and i feel so much pressure on my shoulders. i must succeed. that's all that is going through my head when im in the class. before i answer a question, i always think "you better get this right vanessa, because if you dont, the teachers perception of you will completely change." doesnt seem like a big deal, but i am so afraid of disappointing people. i hate talking about it because i feel like people may think im being conceited or something, but i know im not conceited, its actually the exact opposite, so here it goes: all of my life, so many of my teachers and fellow students always tell me that im sooo smart and my teachers say that i have so much talent and academic abilities, especially my english teachers. in eighth grade, my teacher always told me i was going to be a great writer when i grow up. im completely flattered by that, because i have wanted to be an author since i was like five, its my biggest and brightest dream. and last year, mr. p would talk to me after class, tell me how bright i was, that i should go for the honors class. he recommened me for the journalism class, for the honors class, for a scholarship program during the summer, and though i never expect so much flattery or attention, it would be a complete lie to say that i wish my teachers would stop telling me this stuff. i mostly appreciate getting it from my english teachers. i want to be an author SO bad, that being told that im good at writing is like a dream come true for me. if i were to suddenly stop being told that, first of all, i would have completely disappointed my teacher and myself, and second of all, id lose all hope in myself ever fulfilling my dreams, not saying i ever had much faith in myself anyway. i fear that people reading this may think "wow, this girl is so full of herself. all she ever does is talk about how teachers say she's SO smart" but thats not even it. i never ask to be told that, but to be put on a pedestal, to be put up so high means you have a long way to fall in the end. i just don't want to fall. people always talk to me as though i am the stereotypical straight A student, and ive always denied it. sure, i got mostly As on my report card, but i never was pressured by anyone to do so. anything i ever accomplished, just kind of happened, and i thank God for every gift he's blessed me with. but now im beginning to feel extremely challenged, and im just not used to it. my mom told me this is how it's supposed to feel, being in normal level classes and then suddenly being raised to the highest class available, you're going to feel challenged, but in the end you'll learn. i know that, and i understand that and appreciate the experience. it just seems like too much too quickly. third day of school and i can barely breathe, i feel so smothered with homework, responsibility, fear, emotion, and morals. today in english, i started understanding a bit more. i felt so stupid compared to everyone else. mr. p asked if anyone wanted to perhaps take a break from the book for a week or so and prepare for it more, so that when reading it, we can understand it more. barely anyone put in an input, including me, mainly because, and i know it sounds stupid and im not trying to flatter myself either, but i do feel like everyone is watching me to see if my answer is the right one, by saying that i'd rather hold off on the book because im having trouble comprehending, i fear everyone will think "hmm, she's not as smart as i suspected" or mr. p will think "hmm, why is she in the honors class again?" so i didnt say anything...and everyone else who is understanding this perfectly, as though they were reading cat in the hat, were all like "i dont mind. lets keep reading. i understand fine..blah blah blah" and i just sat there sending mental messages to my teacher. "mr. p! don't listen to them. let's take a break, and come back to this later. you were correct in assuming the book is too much to cover right away!!" well, he didnt hear me, and i had to read another chapter tonight, and answer some stupid questions. one of them i dont know the answer to so im going to hand it in blank. he wanted us to find a pun in the third chapter....a pun!? this book is so melancholy with not a streak of humor or happiness. i found one sentence that could be a pun. unfortunately he wants us to explain why it's a pun.... i hate the question "why?" unless it's something like, why is the sky blue....actually nevermind. i cant even remember exactly why that is...something to do with....the sun?? perhaps? well, duh, the sun is in the sky. ugh, look at how pathetic i am? then again, science is not my thing. id like to say english is but...instead why dont i just say breathing is my thing. yeah, that's right. i know how to breathe and i do it pretty well. i officialy place "Breathing" in the place of "English" for "My Thing." except breathing won't help me write a bestseller. unless the whole world would appreciate a handbook on how to breathe.