so happy. so so so happy. not gonna lie, i'm still scared. at first, things were bad. things we're awkward, and i felt nervous and insecure. i felt like i had to impress him, or make him like me again because i missed knowing that he adored me as much as i adored him. he said to me: you know when you put something in a certain place, you go looking for it, and you can't find it...but you know it's there? that's my love for you right now. i know it's there, but i can't find it. that hurt so much. and i didn't know what to do. i tried explaining to him how i felt. and he told me that he knows that he loves me. but he can't stop thinking about the bad, and he wants to remember the good, but he cant. he said he needs time. he didn't leave me. i guess he was just explaining himself to me. i can't really explain what happened in the next couple of hours. i don't think i've ever seen him cry before, but i did yesterday. and he saw me cry for the 182947498235th time. i felt so insecure for the first time. nervous like i was going to just get sick everywhere, and i felt hideous. i didn't know what he thought about me. i didn't think he liked me at all, i figured he was probably looking at my face and thinking i looked gross. i felt awkward or intrusive whenever i was close to him, so i tried not to touch his knee or brush against him. i wanted to hug him but i thought he would either just let me hug him and not hug me back (which would hurt) or voice his objection and push me away (which would also hurt). We sat in silence after he spoke and my eyes were tearing and he asked me to give him words, to explain how I felt. Sad. Insecure. Scared. Confused. Impatient. I sat up, and he sat up and he asked if I wanted a hug. I shrugged. I didn't want to force him. A while later, he told me he needed a hug. I felt better that way, knowing it was him asking for it not me. I still felt so sad, and miserable while he has hugging me, but somehow I was smiling. I wanted to push him back on the bed so I could snuggle up to his neck and sleep on his chest. But again, I thought that'd be too much, and I feared rejection. And then he layed back and pulled me down on top of him so that I could lay on him and I was happy again. Not completley, but I couldn't help but smile. I was still insecure though. So much so that even though he wanted me there, I kept squirming out from under his arms, thinking he was just being nice and he didn't really want me. And then he kissed me, and it felt like a first kiss all over again. I can't explain it. Ahh. I can't explain it :] The rest of the day seemed perfect. And he told me that he loved me. He told me he's not going to leave me, he doesn't want to, he wants to be with me. After a while, I couldn't help but cry. I was scared that he'd never "find" his love for me again. Like he said, it's lost and he doesn't know where it is. Is knowing it's there good enough? He made me feel so much better though. He told me after a while that the way things are going now, he doesn't think it will take long. That every little thing I did reminded him why he loved me. He said he thought everything I did was cute, as always. And I was so happy. He told me I was beautiful. I wish I could have recorded everything he said so that I could play it over when I get scared. Ha. I'm most afraid that time away from me will depress him. And force any progress we make to disappear. I'm so scared. And he does have a habit of getting depressed, just because his life can become uneventful, seeing as how he's homeschooled. And he can hardly ever get out of his house because he can't go for his license yet. He bought me a WallE lamp :] I love it, I love him. But the light bulb doesn't work :[ But it's okay. He got a WallE lamp too, so now we both have one and I think that's just adorable. Ahhh. I'm so happy. But so scared at the same time. I feel like I have two sides to my personality or something. Why can't happiness just guarentee "no worries". It's strange how I can be so happy and so in love but so afraid. Ahhhhh I want to go to the movies with him!!! Ilovehim.