I cannot stand my own mom. It never used to be like this, but I cannot talk to her on the phone without wanting to fucking reach through the phone and smack her. I think the things she says are stupid, I think she doesn't think before she speaks, and she's depressing and pathetic and she sucks at being a mother from a far or even when we're under the same roof. She has been abusive my whole life, indirectly, but it's there, and I have so much anger towards her for her stupidity, for her ignorance, for her patheticness, for her obsession with dating and for her poor choice of men, for her irresponsibility and her unreliableness and her pretending to get through all of this shit, for her blaming everything on me and my sisters, for her lack of gratitude for us being home, for her valuing our presence by how much money we hand over for rent, for her laziness, for her freak outs, for her drunken binges, for her getting drunk on Christmas, for her talking to Christian secretly after he attacked her and making everyone pity her even though she's doing everything to herself. How can you pity someone for getting beaten when they run back to that person and even keep their communication a secret to their own children. Probably because she's ashamed, well she SHOULD be ashamed. Who does that? Here we (her daughters) are defending her name, saying she's a victim, she needs help, she's helpless, and she's over there keeping tabs on all her exes and even talking to Christian about her living conditions as if there is nothing to fear. How is anyone going to take you seriously? You look like a liar, you look manipulative, and you are! And I am mad at you for making me put up with you while I was younger, while you never had the decency to try to better yourself on my behalf. Or you did and then you let yourself go again. I don't fucking congratulate you on the year you were sober because you fucked it all up because you were lonely and sad because your drunken sister didn't like you anymore. Well, fuck her! What has she ever done for you? And btw, thanks for fucking up Christmas last year, and no, it wasn't because you couldn't afford any gifts. It was because we had to come home to our mom drunk on her bed, freaking out because her mom is dead and her sister won't talk to her on Christmas and yadda yadda. Well that was a great vacation from school. I ended up going over Jake's house like a wounded puppy, feeling pathetic because I had to escape my drunken mom and feeling sorry for leaving my sisters behind. But I shouldn't have to be putting up with this anymore. I think you know the right answers to give to your counselors and doctors and you are in denial about how repeating the same posi-vibe optimist shit to them isn't actually helping you, and it may seem like I overreact when you piss me off on the phone, but the truth of the matter is, you say one thing wrong or one thing annoying, and the anger you're going to receive is a reaction to all of the shit you've put us through in the last two years, especially the last summer home.