Last night was the first time I stepped into a church since my grandfather's funeral, and I couldn't tell you how long it had been before that. There was a group of us; two Christains, a Jew, and two non-believers. The other non-believer was very narrow-minded and cynical. I was very open to hear what they would say. So we listened. Listened to questions and answers that arose from the movie. I get it. I understand it. I can believe it, but that does not mean I can believe God. It makes no sense, I know. I'm working it out. When I got home it was close to midnight. Mom was still up and wanted to hear my reaction the movie. So we talked a little while. My mom only found out that I didn't believe in God a few months ago. I told her the truth; that I wanted to believe, but found it very difficult. You cannot disclaim something as false and then just suddenly change your mind. You can't give enough evidence to someone to prove the world is round and then tell them no, it's actually flat, and expect them to just nod and say "Oh, ok. It's flat." But I do want to believe. It's just...very, very hard to. Before I went to bed I went into my jewelry box and found my old cross. A little gold one that I've had forever and worn very little. It's been sitting in that box for years, untouched, forgotten. I strung it on a gold chain and put it on. I don't know why. Maybe to prove that I really am trying, maybe to make a stronger connection between myself and whatever God is. I don't know. But I wore it--am wearing it--hidden beneath my shirt. The movie, by the way, hardly provoked this. I cried when Jesus was being lashed, but I probobly would have cried if he had been a common man. I wasn't so dumb about the movie after reading Memnoch, by Anne Rice. I saw the face in the veil; Veronica's veil. "How was the movie?" "It just...was." Don't ask someone how it was or how they liked it. It can't be answered. Just go see it. Believer, or non-believer. Off to do community service and take car of drum major application stuff at school- more hanging of plagues, more painting, more cleaning. Basketball won last night so there is a game tonight. I guess I won't be going to that party. I'm not sad. Pep band will be fun. Maybe I AM one of the innocents. Carrie