Spent the evening in Greyhawk, where gates open by the push of bottons and only the invited are welcome. i was invited. Two sisters hovered over a stack of photographs of paradise, pouring over captured moments of wonderful and wonderous. we had a picnic on the sofa, letting ourselves be swept away by a sinking ship and decaprio. when the credits rolled we rolled over and talked over desire and nose jobs. mom came later with her favorite date, dessert, and three women filled the air with gossip and good news. i gave my self a stomach ache and swore i'd never eat again. sleep arrived at ten and escorted me over the bridge where i live my double life; student and me. I've been trapped here for hours, writing up a long time since and day dreaming of a long time yet. Never was able to let the past alone, too drawn to remember and relive, even if it hurt, even if it made me cry, even if it changed me I still amount to question change. Today's not like the others. The phone rang at midnight and in my dreamy haze, so confused was I, not to realize what the damned sound was. So I hit something until it stopped. Rolled over and it sang again. Wasn't the sound I was hoping for, voice wasn't the voice I was hoping for; and in contrary, I'm glad it wasn't--a call like that rings emergency. Groggily i said my slow replies and clicked good bye. goodnight. woke up too early fearing it too late. eased to see the time at seven and leapt out at eight. skipped breakfast because america's fat and we don't realize how much we could do without. so i went without, but not without the thought of someone wonderful. in a sober stuper i feigned awakness and normalcy--nothing on my mind at all, nothing but the things i've yet to do and continue to struggle through. do life and study co-exist, or is that the challenge of 4 years in small space? my roomie and me, we dont share conversation. we just co-exist where other things can't. the garbage rises with the things we've been eating and it feels like just yesterday we were starting over. she's out making money while im sitting on mine, counting my fortune in hobbies. how i'd love to spit a ryhme right now, if only i had the time to set aside these obligations and enjoy a pleasure cruise of absent thought...