I don't like banquets, final bashes or end of the year ceremonies. I wish my reason for not liking them was due to some reluctance to let go, a sadness to say that it's over, but in truth, I don't like them because they always make me feel like I didn't do enough. I didn't go to enough events. I didn't put in enough hours. I didn't do enough work. I wasn't in enough photos. Today wasn't a very good day for me, actually. It was an okay day. A busy day. I didn't sleep very well and I always blame bad days on interrupted sleep. Tuesday night was our RA banquet. We had it in the Secret Garden, a beautiful courtyard not a lot of people know about, on a cloudy night. The food was pretty decent, considering it came from Sidexo, the food company that caters the school. The decorations were pretty; balloons, luminarias, candles, and everyone looked pretty spiffy in their black and white ensembles. We took a few photos, had a few laughs, ate because it was after 7 and we were all starving, and then people talked. It didn't take long for many people to begin whispering about the drops of water they kept feeling on their heads and shoulders. And before awards were finished, it was raining. Not hard, but enough to encourage people out of their chairs and take shelter under the building around the courtyard and then eventually leave. That was a bit of a downer. On the other hand, I don't really like banquets anyway. Alex and I had way more fun at the desk afterwards. I had desk duty and Alex just doesn't like being in his room, is what I've decided. So we played super mario brothers on the computer and watched hilarious videos on youtube. And then, of course, I watched Smallville. This morning I had an internship meeting, basic info I already knew, paperwork to be filled out, line numbers, etc. But I was downtrodden when I found out that just about everyone in the room knew who they were interning with. I hadn't heard a word. I found out a little while ago that a lot of people interviewed for upperdivision internships had already found out weeks ago who their employers were. The division of interns I had tried for had yet to be determines, so I still have a shot at getting something. Here's hoping, because I really don't feel like I had very good interviews, but I'm hoping against hope that someone saw my strengths and potential. As for the rest of the day...ran a few errands around campus, vacuumed, did emails, did some stuff for the Independent, made some phone calls, you know, avoided studying. I finally sat down for a good hour or so and did some review, but I'm just not feeling very motivated for this French exam. It's so overwhelming, I don't even know where to start when it comes to studying. I'll prepare for the written section of course, but as for the listening and reading, who knows. Anyway, that's tomorrow. This evening was the Blaze "banquet". A party at Peter Piper Pizza (you know, the place where they sell cardboard and bad cheese and tell you it's not edible, but good and fresh). There were awards, a lot of clapping, and of course the back-of-the-brain pessimistic thought "you didn't do enough". Maybe it's because I didn't get news director. Maybe it's because I know Eric will do a great job. Maybe it's just because I'm never satisfied with my self. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't know. This past weekend I hopped on my mom's computer to do a few things and began cleaning out her old documents. I came across an old resume of my sister's. One of her profile descriptions said "self-motivated and goal oriented". I wonder if I am that. I know I have dreams, a lot of them. But I wonder if I didn't inherit from my dad his bad trait of having potential and not putting enough effort to be something else. Don't get me wrong, my dad's very smart and great at what he does and really creative, but I know he didn't try very hard in school. He has a photographic memory, so he never had to study, things just stayed with him. But mom always says that if my dad had really set his mind to it and tried, he probably could have been a brain surgeon or something equally as challenging and great. So I wonder if I'm not like my dad in that way. Full of potential, but not enough work ethic. I've never questioned it before, maybe because I find it embarrassing, or know that someone will say "that's not true." Maybe it isn't true. Maybe I'm just being down on myself because this is the way I always get when we're close to the end. On a bright note, because I can't leave this so gray, I finally got the band camp pictures from Andy. They're really awful, which just makes me really excited to have my position back as band photographer and tag-a-long at band camp again. I hope I can. Maybe I'll go write. It will be something happy, I think. Carrie