It isn't raining now, but I really wish it were. Some of my best memories are accompanied and marked by rain. I like to rip them from my mind like pages in a magazine, photographs of a journal and glue them all together in a happy collage; who cares if it's smudged. I hate to ask 'what if', so I won't. But I will say 'I wonder'. 'Had we...' 'if only...' I know it isn't always grand to dwell upon the past, but I'm a packrat who never forgets the things I've stuffed in boxes. What gets me are the days when you don't mean to be adventerous, but you end up tripping over the past anyways. Although, uprooted as it is, I guess it isn't really the past anymore, is it? I'm so used to looking through a lens these days, I think I've forgotten the possibility of being on the other side. I don't think I realize that I'm not invisible. Or, rather, I don't think I understand that it's okay to take the spotlight for a time. I won in the poetry contest. First place in school, second in the district. The funny thing is, when I found out I had won, I didn't congratulate myself, but wondered stupidly why one of my poems had done better than the other when the other was clearly more poetic. Idiot. And I'd rather not recieve the congratulations because, if you want to know the truth, I don't want people to say "of course she would win"--I rather prefer the element of surprise. And secondly, many of my friends are poets and it makes me feel uncomfortable (don't know why) that someone should think my work is better than theirs. It's all judgemental anyways. Well, that's my soapbox on that. The play opens in two weeks. I hear they're doing fine (no, we're doing terrible!), so we'll see. I know Amy will do an awesome job, as well as Aaron. I'm still surprised and confused as to why Aaron wasn't given a larger role. And, since this has been thus far an open and honest entry, I will confess that I am completely jealous of the cast and still hold a bitter grudge towards the whole thing. BUT, I know that everyone will do awesome. If nothing else, I will be happy to go to the show and support my dear friends and watch Mr. Wester step further out of his bubble. : ) Sin Is A Myth is progressing well, to anyone who's interested. I am almost at fifty pages, but I've got scattered pieces and missing chunks all over the place. I'll be needed to strap a notebook to my body I think because I'll be some place random and have a great idea, not write it down, and then why I try to use it, the substance of the whole thought has left me. Damned shame, too. Anyways, all in all it's going well, but it will be years and years before you could even hope to see it on a bookshelf. I'm not old enough to finish this one. However, a large portion of it will have to be fulfilled before I cross the bar of innocence. It seems ridiculous to place virginity in a novel, but I can be so easily swayed sometimes, I just don't think it would bare the same...attitude. Well, enough of that. Life is fair right now, to all those wondering. Work is much better than I keep thinking it is. I think I'm just allergic to the word. Yesterday I walked in after having eaten and a sandwhich and I swear my stomach turned queezy. But then I had fun being creative with displays. School: Report card came in; 3.6something. The usual C in math and B in physics. Theatre is still an absolute bore,Mr. T said "fucking" in class yesterday (and this is the guy who makes us censor EVERYTHING) Miss Hanley is still a whiney bitch, English is a drag and a shove, and my favorite part of the day is still the hour before and the minute after. As a closing note, since this entry went nowhere near where I had expected it to go, I'll add for the history books that I can now read music rythmically. I couldn't do that at the beginning of the year (minus the easy stuff), and now I can. 1-e-and-a-two finally clicked. And not just the counting, but actually knowing what the notes are and being able to sightread without crashing and burning, well...big accomplishment. And I owe it all to bellchoir. (at least I learned SOMETHING significent this year!) Ok, for a real closing note, I would like to extend this little piece of advice: Whoever you are, wherever you are, Make a move. Forget about failure or disappointment or rejection because you can't get anything without a try. And it's so much better to be able to look back and know that when you did this, that happened--even if it was bad, it's better to know than to wonder. So just 'follow your heart' and do what you dont want to regret not having done. Salut. Carrie