Today was a day from Hell. And every time I thought I felt a change in the wind, another storm would come and knock me off my feet, leaving me breathless on the floor, panting and trying to blink what went down. The worst of it all erupted during 6th hour in physics. When the bell rang to end the day, it also rang to begin the worst fight I would ever wish to be in. And I swear I did my best to remain calm, to sound compromising and everything. But apparently I didn't come off to her that way. In her ears, everything I said had a poison and she ended her side of the argument kindly with, "You really hurt me today. I'm so dispointed in you." Bitterly, all I could think to myself was the F word, because in my mind, that single statement had completely turned around everything I had been trying to convey to her. I had been trying to explain to her my frustration, my feeling of being left out (AGAIN), my feelings of 'we need help'. And then she completely turned the tables and made ME look like the bad guy. Yes, I'm the inconsiderate one, I'm the mean one, I'm the one "not improving". "Helen and I are the same though." NO, you're NOT. And everyone sees it but you! None of us are the same, none of us are perfect or even close to being perfect; we all need major improvements. But who gets all the negativity? who gets all the commentary? Who gets all the 'help'? Huh? I'll tell you who--me. Yes, I'm new, but for crying out loud, we're all technically new! There's three of us! We all need to adjust to each other! I feel a fool for being so surprised this happened. I PREDICTED it. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept having realistic dreams that Megan was yelling at me because I kept doing the wrong thing. I couldn't convince my self that I was in my own bed, allowed to go to sleep. I kept thinking I was still in uniform, still being forced to stand at attention; I begged to sleep. My body was lead and my eyes hurt from being so tired, but I kept stiffening myself, kept opening my eyes to see, kept hearing her shout my name and tell me what to do. I didn't sleep last night because I fought with her in my dream. And now tonight I won't sleep well because I fought with her for real. You know what the sickest, saddest part of all this is? I don't even want to be doing it. I don't even WANT to be a drum major. I thought I did. Last year it sounded like the greatest thing and at the start of band camp I was totally siked for it. But it all went down hill from there. Too many battles to fight for the small joy of conducting one lousy piece of a show. And I know that Megan and Helen don't want me there. They didn't from the start. I know they both think that I'm hampering their chance for a caption. I know it. And it's so hard to walk around pretending that I love what I'm doing. It's so hard to smile when everytime I turn around, I'm being told that I'm doing something wrong. My shoulder hurts like a bitch from softball when I conduct, I can't seem to get my hands to the same height, and every little mistake I make is noticed, noted, and loudly stated. Meanwhile, as I hear both sides bitch and complain about "I know she's wrong, but she won't listen to me, so we can't fix it" and "It's her responsibility to take care of her own podium" and other little stupid shit like that, all I can do is stand there like an idiot, nodding and agreeing like a black man in the 1940's! AND THEN, immediately after they both bitch about each other, they walk off together laughing and skipping. WTF??? "Helen, come with me. Jill, you stay here." Fine. So I do. And every time I feel that shove of the third, I regretfully remind my self that i could be standing with the flutes, laughing and joking and actually enjoying this season. And, just to put the icing on the cake, I went after school to find out my grade on the last math test and discovered, without much surprise, that I failed it. Luckily, Mrs. Sam is very understanding of me and is going to boost that F to a D and I'm inching my way up to a C in the class. After all that studying...I fucking failed...again. Some things come real easy to some people and not so fluently to others. I'm horrible in math, poor in science, and a rotten muscician. There is but one thing I shine at, and that's words, and look where that got me: a horrible fight with a good friend. I'm soooo looking forward to the game on Friday... I can't get the honest truth from any one either. People come up to me and tell me I did an awesome job, that I've improved, that I'm progressing. Then I hear from a second source that people think I'm lousy, I do this wrong and that wrong, and according to Megan I'm not improving at all. The only person I ever want to run to these days is Kris and I feel like every time I do, someone is standing behind me thinking "can't she spend at least five minutes away from him?" Everything I do is wrong and the only I've been succeeding at lately is pissing other people off. I just want to run away. From everyone and everything. I just want to leave. I can't handle this, deal with this right now. I just need to be alone. Senior year was supposed to be awesome. But right now, I feel like everything I had planned and worked for has just spit in my face.