I shouldn't be writing this. It's 1am, and anything after midnight is just...melancholy. But a dedicated reader pointed out to me that it's been quite a while since I've updated, and since I tend to rely so heavily on the memories I pen, it then becomes necessary for me to dictate what I'm going through. And of course, as with any long absence from you, there's quite a bit missing in these pages and much to think about. He looked at me suggestively tonight. Brushed back my hair, kissed my neck, put his hands on my shoulders. I spun the cap back on the bottle of make-up remover and returned it to it's tidy place on the little shelf beside the sink. Not tonight. I could sense his frustration. It's the same synopsis of a married couple years out of their honeymoon. And with the busy lives we lead and the crowded roof we live under, who could blame us? I could. So I retreated to my desk and scrolled through emails, sorted the calendar for the weekend to figure out the events ahead. I didn't expect tonight's conversation. It was private but significant, recounting the steps we've taken to get where we are, where we are flawed and how lucky we are that our flaws as a pair are real, and therefor fixable. I don't yell with rash reasoning, he doesn't stray or ignore me, I feel like I can tell him anything and he understands it. We are faced with the roadblocks of innocence and inexperience, confused in a culture that depicts a romance so far from the truth. But this, we know, means nothing of consequence. After analyzing our present and taking into consideration our past, we gambled at our futures. Am I holding you back? Have I held you back? No, but I'm afraid. Well, we're all afraid. And then he goes to bed as my mind continues to poke at everything said in high school. I was the girl who was going to travel and see the world. I was going to leave this place. I was going to be a writer and be published. I was going to be somebody. Those dreams aren't dead, that's ridiculous. This is the planning stage, the moment before take-off and I'm just shuffling with my luggage and trying to solve the crosswords. I know the Lady is going to tell me I'm being too hard on my self, but I think I'm struggling to buckle my seatbelt. I can't quite prepare myself. The engine starts, but then I'm stuck in neutral, just sitting on the landing strip. I can't seem to make the extra push to get off the ground. I've got my camera, the internet, the skills, and yet I'm struggling to prove that I have that "wow" factor. There are holes all over my flight plan. I can clean and organize my desk all I want, but something still seems messy. Well, there are more projects and assignments ahead. All just another chance to prove my self. I do have high hopes for my future, as difficult and challenging as it will be. Kris and I talk about it quite frequently, which is comforting to me because I know we're on the same page and we're preparing ourselves for it, if that's at all possible. It's already registration time for next semester's classes, which seems absolutely absurd to me. I hate registering. It makes me all frazzled because I'm always worried I'm not taking the right classes or doing things to my advantage. I only have 23 credits left of college after this semester. I can't believe how fast it's gone by. A winter session study abroad program went to London last year specifically for photography. I don't know if they'll have the same trip this year, but I'd sure love to go. Like I said, in high school I was the girl who was going to travel the world. And so far all those people who believed I would have leaped ahead of me. I'm not sorry I never went on a Europe trip in high school, I think I'd have much more appreciation for it now. Kris told me that he really doesn't remember a lot from his trip, just the silly, typical high school things; who did that and who dated who. High school is too much of discovering you. College, for me anyway, has very much been about discovering the world. Every day I walk into my class with Aaron Brown I look forward to learning something new, something that is going to change the way I see something, whether it's the media, or a war, or the world. And I never leave disappointed or knowing just as much as I did when I walked in. That to me, is worth all of my time at ASU up to this point. After I graduate I'm not sure where I'll go. I might stay here a little longer until Kris finishes up school. He's a semester behind because of his transfer from NAU. Or I might go back home and live with my parents, save up my money. I'm not sure what kind of job I'll search for, perhaps something in photography, try to get my foot in the door with National Geographic or something like that. Maybe by then I'll have made a connection with someone through school. An internship, perhaps. After Kris graduates he's headed straight to training for the Coast Guard. Not really sure where he'll be. Not really sure where I'll be. I have no problem staying at home. At least then I wouldn't be lonely for the months that he'll be gone. It just depends on where my job takes me. Oh yes, and upon graduation Kris is getting me a dog. A Border Collie. Possibly a female named Charlotte. He'll be around long enough to help train her, and then she'll be my crutch and companion while he's gone, especially if I do end up moving somewhere alone. And that's about as far ahead as we can plan. PS - This website has been giving me a lot of trouble for a while now. Probably because it doesn't have near the population it used to. Nobody journals anymore, everyone's a blogger. I fear this may not last for much longer, but we'll see how it goes.