I don't know what is going on inside my head nor do I understand why I feel the way I do. I have a great sister, the best friend and the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ask for. Yet, I still feel like I'm trapped in a world which I don't want to live in anymore. I just want to break free. I want to just get out and walk away. Travel to the moon and back. I know that the world isn't always there for me. I know that things get bad. Yet, this feeling still stands. I don't think I'm scared to graduate anymore. I think I'm ready. I have an idea of what I am going to do. No...I know what I'm going to do. When June comes around, Im going to leave this place. I'm getting out of Indiana. I know that I'll be leaving family, friends. I'll keep in touch with my sister, Leslie and my parents. I'll even contact my grandparents to tell them how things are going. I just need some time to be my own person. I know that everyone knows where I am going. I'm not going to deny it. I'm going to New York. He's been comming to see me. He's been using his money to be with me. I feel like I'm not doing anything. For Spring Break...it's going to be mostly his money that get's me to New York and back. I just feel like I cannot help at all with this relationship and I want to. I just cannot have a job right now. This is the last time I'm going to be at home all the time. I won't see my parents much when I graduate. After a year, I'm going into the Air Force. After that, I want to settle down and have a family. I want to go to Japan. France. There is just so much I want to do, and it won't be here. It won't be at home. No matter how much I hate this state, this place. But no matter how much I want to hate it, Logansport is my home. Indiana is where I belong. I was born and raised. Now, it's time to find the place to grow old. *sighs* I know that my parents do not like my boyfriend. I know that they see him as disrespectful. I understand why they do. But, can they respect me in my decision? I love him. If I would have chose someone from Indiana, I wouldn't have ever been happy. I'm happy now. I'm happy to watch the sun rise and set. I'm happy to breathe. Even knowing that my heart is beating gives me this great feeling that maybe there is someone out there that wants me and will make me happy. I might have met him online. I might be 5 years younger, but does real love have an age? Does it have to be in the same state? Can I follow what my heart is telling me? For as long as I remember, everyone has told me to follow my heart. That is exactly what I am doing. Please understand this. I'm following what my heart is telling me. My heart told me that Leslie would be my best friend. My heart told me that Meghan and I would become closer than we ever have been before. And my heart told me that Mike was the one. Before anyone judges me, you must understand me. The thing with people is that they don't try to understand people. They see me, this gothic emo, walking in the mall or walking in the hallway at school and judge me before they see. I don't know what they see me as, but they cannot feel my pain. They cannot see what I went through. They don't understand my beliefs, my heart. I might be a dark person, but my soul is shining bright. I always compare myself to the moon. I am the moon. Even when night is it's darkest, I shine through. There are times when I am the brightest, there are times when you can't see me. I'm starting now to see the weight of the world. I am starting to see what being an adult in the world means. I can see why people try and fail at it. I'm going to try my hardest to make my children live the best life that they can. I know how hard my mother tried and I understand that I am not the easiest person to understand. I have so many barriers around my emotions and my heart. Even the people I have let in have no clue what all is going on. There is only one person I have been able to open up to and trust. *laughs a bit* And it all started with my hamster dying. *smiles* Yeah, Mike...I'm not going to get over that. It's the one thing that got us talking. -_- The death of my damn hamster, Chili. Rest in peace you bitch. Damn was she a bitch. *laughs* I hope this opens some understanding to why I'm wanting to break free. To why I want to be on my own. I love my mother to death. I know that she tried to be the best mother she could be. I know that she cares deeply about me. I know that it's going to be hard to see the daughter most like her go out on her own and grow up. But I just hope that she'll let me go. It's time, mom. It's time to let me go... Kayla I spread my wings and learn how to fly Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won't forget the place I come from I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change And breakaway... ~~~~~~~ Jolie---I'm sorry for everything that I said. I am sorry for the pain I have put you through. You will always be a close friend. You might have slipped from being my best friend, but that doesn't mean I don't want to still be friends. I will be in Logan this weekend. Call me... Katie---I just want to help you. Please...e-mail me if you have to. I want to be there for you.