Ever since I got together with Mike, my parents have kinda...resented? Yeah. Resented. They resent our relationship with a fucking passion. Everytime I'm like..."Oh...he's cute!"...my parents respond with..."Then why are you with that idiot, Mike?". Anger. Stedily. Rising. I keep my mouth shut. I mean...how is it your gonna say..."Because I fucking love him more then you two obviously love each other." ~My mom and stepdad are going through a hard time. It's messing with me, too. I remember the first one. My dad hit my mom. I saw it. Trust me...divorse is not pretty when you can remember it.~ Oh. My god. It just pisses me off to no high end that they hate someone the have NO idea what kind of person he is. I just want to bawl and crawl under a rock when they sit there and make fun of him...IN FRONT OF ME! Is it hard to show some respect to me and keep it all in?! I love him! *sighs* Yeah...so...now...I feel as if they think I'm never gonna leave. They think that I'm just gonna be staying at home on this computer waiting. The only fucking thing I'm waiting for is to GET OUT OF HERE! I can't stand it anymore. Everything from the past has been comming back to me. The beatings. The yellings. Grounded for nothing. Beat for nothing. The divorse of my mom and dad. Finding out that my dad isn't my dad. He adopted me. Meeting my real father then losing touch. Tim. Sky. Garrett. My old friends that hurt me so much. It's all just these giant fears that keep rising in me and I'm so scared to get up each day. I'm scared that one day...I'm gonna lose the only person that keeps me to this earth and I don't know if I can handle that. It's like I'm drowning in my own thoughts and fears, but I'm too afraid to speak out. I have only one person to talk to. He's not always around when I really need him. It's not like I don't tell Mike what I feel. I really do. I admitted to him last night that even if I may 'hate' Garrett...deep inside...a part of me still loves him. I honestly hate doing what I am doing. It's tearing me up inside that I'm about to just snap. About to cut. I refuse to do that. I know where my blade is. I gave Mike the handy one in my wallet. I resented that when I was at my dad's last. I was so down because of being over there I wanted to cut. I'm always like that. That is where I normally did the worst. I once covered both of my lower legs because of my father. I have never told anyone that. I don't want to pick that blade back up, but it's starting to look oh so good right now. I'm tired of this pain and fear just welling inside of me. I can't stand up to my parents. I can't stand up to my fears. When I do stand up for something...it comes out entirely wrong and I hate that. I've been so hard on Kayet about Garrett that it's really starting to get to me. I wouldn't mind having Garrett as a friend. He's a great friend! He's amusing, easy to talk to. Deep inside...I still trust him. I don't know if he ever told anyone what I said. ~I know what Kayet means by that. I get pissed off sometimes, too.~ It's just so hard to watch someone I really care about to suffer so much because the person she loves doesn't really know how to be there for her. He doesn't know what it's like to be in a real relationship, so he hurts people. It's taken me until now to realize that. He doesn't understand. And we always fear what we don't understand. Kayet...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I have said and what I have done. In all reality...I'm afraid of what he could do to you because of something he doesn't understand. I'm afraid of what I can do that I don't understand. I've obviously fucked shit up and I'm sorry. You can't forgive and forget until you face what you fear. This is what I must do. And this is my fault. It's always my fault. Now...I love my sister. To death. I would take a bullet for her any day. She moved to my dad's on the weekend that I call 'The Worst Weekend of My Life'. It has that name for that is when shit started to break down for me. That was when I lost all sence of right and wrong. That is when I started my giant fuck up train. When she moved...not only was I hurt...so was my mother. I was so pissed. My step-dad was, too. My mom was the only one who seemed to cry. Since then...my mom knows that my sister will come back to Indy to live. I know otherwise. She will never come back. ~~Even my stepfather has told my mother this. It's kind of sad when my mother is the only one to believe so.~~ Now...everytime Meg's here...I'm ignored. I'm thrown to the side. Everytime they go out...I'm never invited. My sister hates it, too. She's told me. I guess that is what sisters are for, ya know? It just tears me up so much inside that no one cares for me in my family. My dad is the same way. He pushes me to the side. I'm just there. I'm 'that kid'. It seems like it's always been this way. I've always been the outcast. Back then...I loved it. I liked to be alone. It's changed now. I can't stand to be alone. It's one of my biggest phobias. I mean...I finally told my mother off when she said that she..."spends time with me". I told her that she doesn't. Is being in the same apartment spending time with me? Is that what is it called now? Three weeks ago...I wasn't eatting. Anything. We had no money for food. We had no money at all. When I went to NY, I ate so much. It felt like I haven't eatten for months. I dropped under 150. That's not good for me. I shouldn't be below 150 for my body structure and height. Mike was the only one who seemed to care. Hell...he was the only one I told. Now...his parent's think I'm trying to mooch. That I'm just using him. I don't know how much that's been tearing me up inside. I feel at times like I am using him. It hurts so much to know that people think the same way. I've never been able to have a job. My parents wouldn't let me. I should have gotten one 6 months ago. Maybe I would be in NY by now. God...that would be so much easier. It's just...it's getting to the point where I'm nearly crying myself to sleep at night. I get so angry at stupid things. I have no one to talk to but Mike and I can't be like that. I need more then one person to talk to. He even knows this. I believe I was a bit more happy when I was talking to Garrett and Mike. I did hate the rivalry between them...but it's hard for me to speak to someone. Garrett earned my trust. He also got a piece of my heart. I just feel so alone now when I know that I'm not. I know that putting this here won't help me any. Most of you don't care. Others just won't read this. Maybe I just want a friend. You guys are all I have now. You're all that I can trust. I need you guys. I wish that maybe someone would talk to me again. I fucked up so much that it's hard now. It's like I'm begging for friends when I've realized the reality in Garrett's words... I pushed them all away.