I really didn't physically hurt myself, but I thought about it. A lot. That'd be fucking retarded to go back to that just because I lost a friend. I lost Katey. I donno if it's because of me or if it's cause I'm always angry. I can't help it and anger management will just make it worse. I haven't really been angry lately. It's just...sickening. I'm tired, sick...and I guess really, really hurt. Betrayed is in there, too, but I guess I was the one who did most of the betraying. There is just one question on my mind now. Does she hurt, too? I highly doubt it. She seems just fine. I've heard her talk to Mike. I shouldn't have been in there, but I just needed to hear her voice to know what is going on. It's all my fault. I'm the bad friend and I will forever beat myself up for it. Mike says that it's both of our faults. She thinks this is all because of the whole shit with Garrett. If that was the case, I would be more angry and less upset. Garrett hasn't done anything to me and I have no reason to sit out here and attack him. That's pointless and childish. We're getting along. That's all that matters. She's mad cause I bring up the fact that she's not over him a lot. This last time, she did. I just pointed it out and somehow ended up realizing what I was to her. A Scapegoat Friend. Yay. It feels like Kayla all over again. I feel like Katey just doesn't care about me at all. It's like she could give a rat's ass about me. I've tried so hard to keep her friendship. I always appologized. I just never got one in return. I never will. I guess I should just get over it, but it's hard. Mike's trying so hard to correct everything. This bothers him just as much as it does me. Well...I donno. He's torn between me, his fiancee, and Katey, his best friend. Sometimes I feel like he's not giving me any loyalty. Sometimes I'm afraid that he's gonna leave me. He promised that he would never do that. He loves me, not her. I calmed down slightly. I guess I'm jealous. I'm not talking to her right now. I guess that's a good thing. Everyone's telling me not to. They're also telling me that maybe our friendship isn't worth it. I donno. It's gonna be so hard to just let her friendship slip away. Once I find something that makes me happy, I try so hard to keep ahold of it. But honestly...did she ever make me happy? I donno. I guess this is things I'll have to realize eventually. Right now, I'm just getting over the whole thing. I've been a lot angrier lately. I'm flipping ppl off when Mike's driving. I just want to beat the shit out of random people for no aparent reason. I guess I'm using anger to release the pain this time. Mike and I get into fights a lot easier now. They're always my fault. I hate it. I hate myself for it. I'll never forgive myself.