Everything's so fucked up right now. It just feels like my own family hates me. I mean...we had "family time" but guess who was tossed out to the side. If you said me...have a cookie. *gives cookies* *sighs* I'm just so fed up with being the outcast when I don't want to be anymore. The only time I'm actually happy is when I'm with Mike in NY. Being around his family is just so refreshing, but I guess they don't understand that. They're not too happy with me. I understand why. I admit that I didn't do anything to help out. I feel like shit for it, too. When I was on the plane back...I just knew that I should have done something to help. I should have. I wanted to and I thought about it many times. I just...didn't ask. I feel so horrible about that. *sighs* They think I'm using Mike. I guess that hurts the most. I love him so much. It's hard to not be with him. I have to be with him or nothing's right. He's everything. I just...I need him so much right now that it kinda looks like I'm using him. I just need to get out of this state, away from my family. *sighs* I'm not here to tell my life's story. But...it's all starting to hit me right now. It's like it's all comming back. I want it to go away again cause it's just too much to bear at once. I thought about cutting again. I don't want to cut. I don't want to be like that anymore. I can't be. It's just too much. At times, I want to die. I thought I got rid of all that. Maybe I just pushed it away so I could have a chance to breathe cause I was drowning. I'm drowning again... Help me please...I'm falling... Kari