Had a great evening with Mike last night even though the rest of it was flushed down the toilet. I just donno what to do anymore. The first thing that crosses my mind is, "Deal with it. Nothing will change." Then, I sit there and think that I don't deserve that shit. I know I don't. But, just shutting up and dealing with it is so much easier.

I don't want to go down there and just have a blank stare the whole time. I don't want to be there to just want to go home the entire time. I hope they understand that. I'm a different person in real life then on here through AIM. I'm quiet and reserved. I won't fight back. Why do you think I'm so easily broken? I have no fight and what little I do have is going into my relationship.

I love Mike, please understand that. My loyalty, my strength, it all lies within him and the life we have. I have to rebuild it, I have to fix this. I love you both as well. I honestly do, but I cannot sit there and take his belittlement the whole time I am down there. He means so much to me. I hope you understand that. I really do. Mike can't stand my blank stare. I donno if you could either.

Though, it's much easier to not feel anything. And right now, I'm at the point where I don't want to feel again. The drowning feeling has returned.

~Kayla