I was randomly watching some video last night on youtube about Megan McCauley and her mom. Needless to say about their relationship is, they're both at fault and will probably end up being closer as Megan gets older. Her attitude doesn't help anything and her mother doesn't know how to be a mom. That's what I think. *nodnod* But then that got me thinking about my mom. Am I any different? I don't quite know. This whole thing is complicated. I mean, one line that Megan said really got me to nod and laugh. "How can you miss something that you've never had?" How can I miss my mother when I didn't have a mother for the last five years of me living with her? I understand that she didn't quite know how to handle me, but telling me that doesn't make the situation any better nor does it make me feel wanted. I just want to be her daughter, not a learning experience. Of course, Meghan is so much easier to handle then I ever will be. Sometimes, I don't know how people can quite handle me at all. I'm not the easiest to get along with and boy when I get angry, I get fucking angry. But then again, maybe that's because that's all I knew. All I knew was yelling. I wasn't punished like a normal child. I was screamed at. I was pinned up against walls. I was spanked with wooden spoons and rulers. Where did the line of punishment and physical abuse start in the 90s? Of course, it stopped. I don't know if I would have rather been beaten then yelled at every second of my home life. I tried my hardest not to go home my Freshman year. I had nowhere to go my Sophomore through Senior years but to those people online that have been there for me for three years. I know that she'll never understand that. I have accepted that. She's appologized. I don't know what for yet. There is so much that I want an appology for. Is that too much to ask? I know she loves me. I love her, too. I'm just sick of being disappointed. It's gotten so bad lately that she's even worse then my father when I was home. I thought that that could never be passed. Yet, there it has been. It's not because I have moved. It's not that hard to get on the phone and call. It really is not. I have my cell on me at all times. I have e-mail. I'm on AIM ALL the time when I'm not at work. There is ALWAYS some way to contatct me to just talk about daily stuff. And I want to talk. I do. I've tried, but it ended in disappointment. I'm sick of being disappointed. I'm tired of it. I play off like I'm not. Mike always sees it. There is so much anger and resentment that I want to fix, but I just don't know if she's got it in her to fix it. I want to go back and tell her all I feel. I want to make her understand. I understand her. I truely do. Some things there shouldn't be an excuse for. It's scarred me permanantly. I'll never be that good little girl I was in my childhood. I'm not a child anymore. I don't want to be treated like I am. I may seem childish sometimes, but that's because maybe I don't want to grow up. I really don't want to. Not only does that scare me, I'm just not sure what is going to happen in the future. Mike and I plan on eloping in August. The wedding will come eventually when we have the money to do so. X.x Damn Catholics. *shakes fist* I really do not want one despite Mike's opinion. I'll do a small one though, for him, for my mom. Maybe for once I'll do that elegant shit for her and be the daughter that she wanted me to be. Just for a day. I love who I am and I love my life. I have a great man in my life as well as a best friend in little Katherine (MWEH! Deal. I like your full name.*love*). There's the SC: my family, my support group. I have nothing right now that I would change. There's no room for resentment when you're trying to grow. But then again, that's why I'm obsessed with Porcelain Doll by Megan McCauley right now. "Why doesn't anyone stay here, why do they leave me? Don't they realize that I am a porcelain doll? Fragile, helpless, unwanted, breakable." ~Kaylaface♥